the last twenty.

self.

2011-11-10T08:03:00.003-06:00

In the midst of all this school and work, I feel like I've started to lose a lot of the things about myself that I love. The extra weight I've taken on in the past year doesn't help too much with that.

I've noticed that I have stopped identifying as an "athlete" or something who values exercise. I think the idea is still there, I definitely do VALUE exercise, I just might not do it.... at least not consistently.

At the core of all of this turn-around, this life improvement state, I've managed to move somewhat latterally. Sure, I've finally enrolled in school and sure, I'm actually doing well. I've somehow managed not to lose my job in the process and I've also taken the time to shake things up enough at work that some genuine change might happen with the things that have been stressing me out about it.

What's 10 pounds when the rest of that is going on?

Well, it's weight. And it's more than physical weight, it's mental weight.

As I move up the scale, I seem to be creeping down emotionally. I feel less confident, which allows my anxiety to take over more often than it does not. It creates barriers between me and my manpanion. It creates comparisons between me and other women, things I had an easier time ignoring when I felt really great about my body and my health.

I've been trying to recenter. I've been trying to revisit the times I was happiest and try to mentally arrange them to see the factors that must be missing now.

I know everyone says you have to live "in the moment." I'm awful at this, admittedly. I'd love to learn how, but I am such a planner, and ambitious to a fault, that it's dififcult for me not to have my eye on some prize.

The good part is, one thing that I recognize, is that I was happy when I was taking care of myself and being active. Most of my best memories from the past 2 years all involve moving. Cartwheels, square dancing, two-person-bike-races... momentum.

I am experimenting this week, with block-walking. Each time I feel stressed, regardless of the weather, I will suit up and walk around the block. I think the fresh air will help to clear my head and get a new perspective, plus I'm moving instead of reaching for the gelato.

I'm hopeful this will assist in breaking some [bad] habits and building a new one.

chug chug chug.

2011-11-09T07:39:00.003-06:00

My posture is still awful, but I have achieved a new milemarker in my return to a healthy lifestyle: the gym.

The gym.

I hadn't set foot inside my gym since August 4th. Between getting ready for school and then being IN school, I didn't feel that I had the time to make for a "real" workout.

But I changed my expectations.

What is a "real" workout?

Why shouldn't I just get there, 12 times at least, to earn my discount. My health insurance isn't tracking whether I spend an hour lifting weights, or put in serious effort on the StepMill. They, like SCIENCE, simply want me to move my body at least 12 times a month.

Well!

I can do that.

This month, November, I pledged to earn my discount again. Today is the 8th and I have been to the gym 3 times. That is ALMOST every other day, which is a good track record considering I was out of town this last weekend, and will be out of town next weekend... and the weekend after. Because I've been out of the "intentional exercise" game for some time, I'm easing back into it. I've started couch to 5k again, a program I've never actually completed despite having run several 5ks. I began at week 1, which I am going to be on day 3 of when I head to the gym later this evening. I'm not as physically out of shape as I had thought, proven by the ease of week 1. This is assuring and encouraging.

I have been putting in little more than 30 minutes at a time in the gym, which - to me - doesn't feel like a "real workout" but my opinion is slowly changing. I am moving more than I was before, even if it's only by 30 minutes, and this is a vast improvement.

On the excusing side, I've started to forgive my insatiable appetite after I learned that your brain uses a LOT of your daily calories. It makes sense, then, that because I am intentionally using my brain - all the damn time, and way more than I used to - I'm hungrier. I suppose this makes sense in the way that if I suddenly started training for a marathon, I'd be hungrier. My brain is the one running this time.

My solution to this, though, is that I need to keep healthier volume snacks on hand. I need to find a good back up for cheese and crackers, ice cream and other not-so-healthy snacks.

I'm thinking popcorn, the best seasonal fruits, and low-cal hot cocoa. We'll see if I can trick myself into snacking well while I study.

What are your favorite healthy snacks?

coast.

2011-10-27T06:01:00.002-05:00

I had to call my gym the other day to figure something out with my billing cycle. In doing that, I was surfing around in my online profile and membership information and noticed that I haven't been to the gym since August 4th.

That's a really long time.

I've been in school, I've been working, and I've been slightly active. I ride my bike (sometimes... not as often), I climb stairs, I walk to the market, and I go dancing with my manpanion, but I have gained back everything I lost during the couple of weeks when I was working hard.

I'm still at the weight that I've maintained for the last year.

I need to get to the gym.

What would you do if you only had 30 minutes to work out?

Whew.

2011-10-20T07:28:00.002-05:00

I haven't had the time to update, really.

Between work, which is really picking up, and school, which is steadily crazy, and my semblance of a life, which is sporadic at best, I've been scheduled out.

With "life" being super hectic, I haven't been focusing on my goals. I have been cooking for myself, however, but many times skipping "real" meals and opting for too much of a tasty snack. SmartPuffs, specifically, have become a major crutch. Luckily, even when I eat the whole bag, it's still equivalent to a "normal" healthy meal in the range of calories, though it does not put much nutrition into the mix. It has some protein.... sort of.

I have a healthy bag of excuses, all of which are acceptable to me, but are enabling me to continue down the path of stress eating - a habit I still haven't been able to squelch in the dozen years I've been working on it.

WHY is food so powerful? Why is it so comforting? Why can't I just take a hot shower instead of inhaling a bag of delicious cheesy curls?

Well, I can.

I'm simply choosing not to.

...though it doesn't feel like a choice when it's happening.

I feel like I don't have the TIME to choose to do something else. Where I'd opt for a brisk walk in our newly chilly MN weather, I honestly can't spare the half hour, because I need it to read and take notes on a piece of the chapter that I need to understand, or I need to edit a paper, or respond to a reading.

I'm halfway through my first semester of college, and I've gained about 2 pounds, but it's the same 2 pounds I've been losing and gaining for the last year, I'm just not really losing it again these last 3 weeks.

A couple of holidays are coming up - which is always dangerous for us Westerners. Halloween involves tons of cheap and readily available candy, and Thanksgiving means a GIANT meal, many times over.

Halloween is less terrifying. I'm not a very big fan of chocolate, which rules out most of the leftover fun-sized treats that coworkers pawn off on the office. As long as I don't buy any thing (Swedish fish, for example), I should be good.

Thanksgiving, however, lasts about 3 weeks. Between one side of my family gathering on the 19th of November for a weekend at my sister's cabin, Dinner with my Dad on the actual Holiday, and a weekend at Paul's family cabin... I have a lot of strategizing to do.

Everyone contributes something, so I can control the health factor of my own dish. I chose stuffing, which is typically the scariest thing on the table (for me). However, there will be pie. Dozens of pies. Pumpkin pies, which are my Achilles heel. SO DELICIOUS.

What do I do?

Failed Relaxation

2011-10-04T07:56:00.002-05:00

Yesterday's #30daysofgood challenge was to RELAX.

It sounded like such a great goal, one I could easily accomplish in small increments. However, I wasn't able to accomplish it, and that fact alone has been bothering me.

When I received my email from GOOD in the morning, stating the days intent, I immediately found a space in my schedule and entered in time for a walk. By the time that task rolled around, there was simply too much else to do.

I ended up running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day, and when all the work and (most of) the homework was done, I was cooking dinner for myself and my manpanion while he did his homework and we both scrambled to get enough done so that we could square dancing.

Now, I could try to fit square dancing into my RELAXation goal, but square dancing isn't all that relaxing. In fact, it's pretty good exercise. There's a lot of bouncing and twirling and more bouncing. Some day, I'll have to wear my HRM to a square dancing night so I can report back an accurate calories burned count.

There are, however, some ways in which I can tie square dancing into my RELAXation goal. For one, it was social. I saw a few friends I hadn't had time to schedule in, and we caught up. I also got to get in close and be swung around by my manpanion, something that - while not relaxing at the time - provides a sense of relaxation during this transition period of becoming adult students and losing a lot of the time (which was still infrequent) that we could spend together. So, having time to be close to him to carry with me when there's a large gap is extremely relaxing.

Also, I got so tuckered out by dancing around for 2.5 hours, that I fell asleep instantly upon hitting the pillow, and I slept like a baby.

So hard, in fact, that I slept through my alarm - something that hasn't happened to me in about 5 years.

I somehow managed to get up, get ready and get out the door, making it to work 17 minutes later. That makes me feel like a champ. Of course it helps that I was able to drive to work, and I'm only 3 miles away from my office, but still.

As for the food intake, I didn't have time to track my dinner last night, so I'm not quite sure where I ended the day. I need to enter a new recipe into SparkPeople's recipe builder and determine the exact calorie content, but when I tracked my last food, I still had 800 calories left to hit the BOTTOM of my goal. Pair that with square dancing and I'd assume I came under that.

Because I overslept, I didn't allow myself enough time to eat a real breakfast, so I grabbed my coffee and a banana and ran. Not without packing a pear and a hardboiled egg for an emergency snack when I inevitably become ravenous around 10am.

The evening is packed with homework, but I've rescheduled my walk into the late afternoon and I'm going to try to put some priority into this. I haven't been very active (save for square dancing and riding my bike), and I feel the need to allow my muscles to MOVE.

We're having a crazy Indian Summer here in Minneapolis, are you still playing and working outside?

first weekend on track.

2011-10-02T19:24:00.003-05:00

Sunday is drawing to a close. The sun has already set here in Minneapolis and a new week begins tomorrow, signifying the end of my first week keeping my eye on my eating habits.

I have to say that it went splendidly. Even though I encountered a potential roadblock yesterday when I accompanied my manpanion and his 4 year old son to a 5 year old's birthday party at Grand Slam. This place is like a more active Chuck E. Cheese, so.. it could have been worse.

I made time in the morning to be sure to eat a healthy and filling breakfast while I studied. I selected my fail-proof Scottish Oats with a dab of honey and some almond milk. Picking at this around 9am kept me sated until around 2:30pm when we finally ate. This was one mistake: I should have brought a healthy snack along, because after bouncing in a castle, hitting 65 mph baseballs (seriously! I played baseball on a boys team as a youngster), and Dance Dance Revolutionizing without eating since 9am, I was starving. The party was serving pizza (eeek) and I managed to stuff 3 pieces into my mouth before I decided that I was full. I had, however, been full since the first slice as I don't care for pizza very much (I know) and I don't typically enjoy melted cheese (I KNOW).

I tracked each slice, and also the small square of cake I decided to indulge in, which really was hilariously small. The moms in the group looked at me like "Who are you kidding? What are you trying to prove?" but I carried on with my extremely comical bite of cake. It was exactly how much I wanted and it tasted better because of it.

After such a heavy lunch, I was feeling a little sick as I studied into the night over at Paul's house. Around 7:30pm, he brought me the most perfect plate of food to ensure I still ate something, but intuited that I wouldn't want anything more than exactly what he brought me, which was essentially what I'd been dreaming about the entire time I was reading about Perception and the Senses (Psychology).

Red and Yellow Peppers, Pluot, Kiwi, Rice Crackers with Brie

I hadn't really communicated with Paul much about my decision to keep a stricter eye on my food, especially because last week's decision wasn't really a decision to DIET, or restrict anything I was eating... yet. I just wanted to develop the habit of tracking all of my food intake again, which is something that correlates with healthier eating for me. I'm proud to say he noticed on his own. Just look at that dinner he brought me! It was a perfect accompaniment to an afternoon of heavy eating and because he provided such a healthy meal, even with the cake and pizza I still came in under 1600 calories for the day. That's without counting any of the calories I bounced off at Grand Slam.

I'm really looking forward to this week and reinforcing my habit of tracking all of my food.

Are you looking forward to anything in the upcoming week?

truckin.

2011-09-30T20:26:00.002-05:00

I'm still truckin' along. While I never expected to form habits in such a short amount of time, I've lost sight of my goals OFTEN this week, but somehow always manage to draw myself back in quickly, which is a very nice change.

A friend of mine posted about Good's 30 Day Health Challenge. It's not a diet, it's not a pledge to exercise daily, it's simply an email - every day for 30 days - to remind and instruct you to do something healthy. They mentioned something about naps.... so of course I signed up.

Now I'll have some new daily tasks throughout October, and perhaps some of them will be so wonderful I'll add them to my current goals (of posture and food tracking).

Speaking of October, it's going to be CROCKTOBER. More about that later.

habitual.

2011-09-28T07:11:00.003-05:00

Good morning. I'm writing to you from a highly uncomfortable office chair, one in which it is hard to practice my good posture. However, I'm conscious of the fact that it's difficult for me to sit up straight, which means I'm participating in actively sitting up straight, which means this goal has lasted at least 2 days.

I'll drink to that!

Coffee... I mean. I'll drink coffee to that. Because it's 7:00am.

A typical day for me, lately, has been waking up at 5:05am, doing my normal "morning routine," heading into work for 6 hours, attending a class, returning home to finish up 2 hours of work, and then, with the few hours left before I fall asleep at my desk, I start tackling homework. My schedule, as determined by Google Calendar, keeps me going from 5:05am until at least 10pm nearly every night.

My strategy for eating smart during busy weeks in the past has always been to choose a day with a block of time, cook cook cook for all of those hours, portion things out and freeze them. This way, if I take dinner out of the freezer when I leave the house at 6:00am, all it requires is a quick zap in the microwave at 7:00pm when it's finally time to eat it.

Because that has worked for me in the past, I'm trying it again. Yesterday, I simultaneously studied and simmered a giant pot of delicious chili. I braised a chicken breast and then seared it in honey and cinnamon to be eaten with carrot cashew ginger soup over basmati rice. I pre-cut peppers for easy snacking. I moved all the fruit to a bowl in the front of the fridge, freed from it's out-of-sight dungeon in the crisper drawer.

While I was doing all those healthy practices, I neglected to actually EAT a healthy dinner, instead choosing to break for an hour to meet my manpanion, his son and his father at the Midtown Global Market a few blocks from my house. My attempt to order this spinach salad I love was thwarted by a language barrier I couldn't navigate, which was a surprise to me because I frequent this booth within the market on a regular basis. That language barrier made me feel like an asshole, and has instantly motivated me to learn Spanish. How I've gotten this far without knowing more than nouns baffles me. Anyhow! Healthy plan thwarted, I decided to go for a Vietnamese noodle salad, because nothing else sounded good and Taco Tuesday has to be a thing of the past.

As it turns out, Sparkpeople says that the noodle salad was a pretty good choice, especially given the amount I ate, which wasn't much, because I was talking a lot [another GREAT weight loss strategy].

I walked myself home, but not without buying a slice of bread pudding from The Salty Tart, which I instantly regretted. I later ate the piece of bread pudding, which I did not regret at all. I overestimated the amount of calories and fat in that sucker, just in case.

I've been tracking my intake for 2 days now, and [with honesty in my tracking] I am falling around 1400 calories a day. That's good! That's maintenance! I've been satisfied and not "trying" to be in weight loss mode, so that would explain my ability to stick to this weight for such a long period of time.

Now... the cuts.

How do I cut? Where do I cut?

I can cut calories, sure, or I can exercise more. I love exercise, I do. I really do. But especially now, when I can barely find the time to write in this blog or cook a real dinner, I don't have a lot of time. I've been attempting to fit it in where I can lately, walking to the store, biking to school, getting off of the bus a few stops early and hoofing it. I realize this isn't a long term strategy for weight loss, but it's a pretty great habit to be forming for a long-term healthy lifestyle, so I won't discredit it.

I have not set food in my gym for the entire month of September.

How do you get in workouts when you literally can't find the time?

Is this on?

2011-09-26T08:05:00.002-05:00

I haven't been here in a while.

Here is figurative, and also literal, as I couldn't quite remember my last post in this blog. I knew it was a rampage, I knew it was a soapbox speech, but I couldn't remember the topic.

I reread it this morning and I'm still proud to have written it. I'm still proud to have come to those conclusions and to have had the guts to write them here, even if no one ever read them. I still think there is so much fucked-up-edness in this weight loss community.

But I only want to help.

One thing I have learned in the last year is that I can't help anyone if I can't help myself, and the fact of the matter is that I weigh EXACTLY what I weighed back when I wrote that speech. I wasn't giving any attention to actually losing weight, but I was learning to how to eat in moderation, obviously, because I have consistently kept my weight right where it was.

I didn't track my food, and I even ...forgot.... to exercise.

I enrolled in college. I started school after being out of the game for more than 10 years. I got so busy I started forgetting to eat, and that was making me GAIN weight. (Weird, huh?)

Now that I have a lot of my study habits figured out, and I've consistently been getting A's on EVERYTHING I've done in school [hooray, me!], I feel ready to start adding in little habit-changing goals to help me kick-start my journey to a healthier life for my body AND my mind.

My strategy is to start small. Very small, even. The idea is to create goals that are very motivating to me RIGHT NOW: so that I will focus on them intently.

People usually make goal lists to sustain through a certain concrete period... like... the month of October, for example. But it's September 26th, and I want to do this, so I'm just going to do it. There's no point in waiting till October, we all know that drill.

"I'll start on Monday."

Well, not for me. So, here is a list of goals I am going to focus on right now. It's going to become a game, much like that game "I'm going on a picnic" we all used to play in Kindergarten. I will add a goal, and then I'll add another goal and continue working on both, and so on.. and so on.

Goals

Concentrate on posture.

Right now, I am noticing how slouchy I've become. Because I am in school now, I spend a LOT more time sitting than I was generally accustomed to. I spend a lot of time in class, in an uncomfortable chair, taking notes. I spend a lot of time hunched over a bar stool in my kitchen, trying to read hundreds of pages. I'd like to make a conscious effort to sit up straight and engage the muscles I have.

Track what I eat.

While I'm not ready to drastically change my eating habits, I am ready to get a truthful estimate of what I'm already doing. Keeping a tab of my calories and food consumed has always helped me to make better choices as a whole, and you can't know what needs to change until you know what "is."

And that's it. Those are my focal points for this undetermined amount of time, until I feel prepared to make bigger changes. Ideally, I'd like to make these two goals a habit, commit them to memory - like in the picnic game - before I add something else to the mix.

So, I'm off to track my breakfast while I sit up straight.

What goals are you working on today?

New Ideas

2011-05-26T06:55:00.003-05:00

I've been playing with the idea of starting a new blog, mostly because I currently associate this one with a ton of negative energy. It's not so much the blog, per se, but some of the people and events I tie in with having had this blog. Quitters (like me, though I've never actually quit), defeatists, people who are scared of food.

For the last year, I've been attempting to just learn to eat. Eat correctly. Eat healthfully. Not focus on crappy "diet" food like fat-free ANYTHING, because that rarely exists in nature outside of your produce aisle or the farmer's market. And I find myself wondering, as I browse through blogs on my blog roll, what people are actually putting in to their bodies? Do they know? Do they even care? Or is the end result just to be smaller or perhaps even "thin?"

I can't be a part of that community anymore. I find little to no difference between eating your problems and eating a bunch of plastic to redirect your problems, because you know what? Those problems will still be there when you're thin. I am 100% living proof of that.

Sure, losing the weight will give you some confidence to start solving them, but sometimes it's one or the other. You can "diet" or you can leave your relationship. You can "diet" or you can go to school. Focusing on both is near impossible, UNLESS you start forgiving yourself and understanding that FOOD is not the enemy. NOT SOLVING YOUR PROBLEMS REASONABLY is the enemy. Not dealing with feelings is the enemy. Eating to not feel empty is the enemy.

You see, the real problem with being an overeater is that you can't quit. And yes, I have the balls to compare it to alcoholism, smoking or drugs. I've had problems with all of those, not necessarily personally, but with directly connected people that I love and see on a daily basis. When you're a smoker, which I am, you can quit and be done. It won't be easy, by any means, hence why I am still a smoker, but smoking serves absolutely no purpose for your body. It is a stress reliever, but so is taking a walk. There are replacements. There are substitutes. You do not NEED to smoke.

You NEED to eat.

You must eat, every day. You must fuel your body. So when overeating becomes a problem, you cannot escape it. Oh, some people try. Starving themselves on diets of <1000 calories. Well, that's a problem too, because our bodies need calories to function. Our bodies need REAL food. They need fat. They need protein. They need those things to make our blood move and our legs function. You cannot be scared to eat.

I associate less and less with weight loss bloggers. While I have weight to lose again, I tend to resonate more with those in maintenance. Those people who are just eating and eating healthfully. Who have accepted that exercise is now a part of their life and will always be because that's just the way it is. Some of them even enjoy it. Some of them even eat REAL FULL FAT CHEESE (gasp). And so I associate with them because I will not beat myself up if I go out to eat and order the burger. You know why? Because burgers are delicious and all I have to do is eat a little lighter the next day to even things out, and I can do that. Because I can't have everything I want, and I'm mature enough not to throw a fit about that. If I had everything I wanted, I'd also have a whole lot of things I don't want: like heart attacks.

SO. While this post is targeted at no one, I beg you to think about what you're doing. If you think ANY of this ends when you hit goal weight, you're very sadly mistaken. At most, you can add back 400 calories a day and maintain your weight. That's not a lot. That's like a scoop of ice cream, friends, not a whole pint. You'll NEVER get to do what you once did and not suffer the consequences. Can you handle that? Can you eat fake cheese and processed diet bars every day for the rest of your life? Can you pronounce the laundry list of ingredients in those things?

It's time to wise up and move on.

Security Breach.

2011-04-27T05:58:00.002-05:00

After making the gym a habit again, I fell off track for a few days.

You see, I give myself the option, I have a rule. I MUST at least GO to the gym, scan my card and be ready to workout. That means changing into my clothes. If, after all of that, I still don't feel like working out, I can leave. It almost never happens and I generally put in at least a half hour of cardio on days I'd rather take a nap. However, there were a few days last week when I simply scanned and run.

However, my wonderful Manpanion joined me for BodyFlow on Monday, kicking me back into the gym habit. He's working on gaining more flexibility and BodyFlow is a wonderful combo of Tai Chi, Yoga and Pilates. It was nice to share fitness with someone, as this is something I typically prefer to do alone. I don't like being on someone else's schedule, having to leave when they want to leave or having to make them leave when I do, so a class was a perfect beginning for us. He doesn't belong to my gym, but I have a plethora of guest passes so let's see if he wants to come back.

I have a few goals for the week, the biggest one being such a simple thing: WATER. This winter I really struggled to get my daily water in. Even though winter in Minnesota is dry and cruel, I would much prefer coffee or something warm to water. Now that the weather is warming a little, it seems like an easy time to get back in this habit, so I've set a few goals. The easiest being that I must drink a full glass of water in the morning before I can have my coffee. That starts me off on the right foot every morning. I plan to continue this mini trick throughout the day, having a full glass of water prior to my morning snack, before lunch, before any other snacks and of course before dinner. That gets me pretty close to the goal right there.

I tend to not count the water that I drink during my workouts toward my daily goal of at least 8 glasses of water. Do you?

Last night I had a weird triumph. I went over to the Manpanion's house to share an old recipe with him for the "Taco Tuesday" tradition he is building with his son. My mom used to make us this giant pile of fat called "Taco Pie." It is the ultimate comfort food and it was very rainy and gross yesterday, perfect for comfort. We worked together to put all the elements of the pie together, popped it in the oven, read a book and when the table was being set, I opted to go home instead. I basically ate a bowl of M&Ms for lunch yesterday and KNEW that I could not resist the Taco Pie if I had tasted it. It felt strange to dip out of a dinner I helped make, but that's the beauty of living alone! I can go home!

And home I went. I had a dinner of two blood oranges and a mug of tea and I went straight to bed at 8pm, beaten with exhaustion. I'm proud of my choice, even though it stole away some time with the boys I like so much. One mini-step toward my goals that they support anyway.

Today, I've worked out a meal plan to help stay on track, my gym bag is packed and already in the car.

Laundry and a Rant.

2011-04-14T06:44:00.004-05:00

Last night I stayed in to get a few things done around the house.

I organized my office, which has been a monkey on my back for a few months now. I've just been making piles of things that have no rhyme or reason and I can't find a damn thing when I need it, which is ruining my high efficiency. Tackled. Done. Organized.

I also had to do laundry, which ended up being a small NSV (non-scale victory) as it was 80% workout clothes and 20% underwear and the only pair of jeans that currently fit me. That means I'm doing a good job.

I made myself a little dinner.

Organic Field Day Linguine with Asparagus and fresh Parmesan. Poached Egg. Greens with oil and vinegar.

I also made it back to the gym today after my sudden rest day on Tuesday. I did some more strength training, but a faster version of my "real" workout. A different one. It involves many squats and lunges, but is just less focused on using heavy weights. It's more of a toning strength training session using a medicine ball and lot of my own body resistance. It was still difficult, especially on sore muscles, so I felt accomplished.

As I sat around in my PJs catching up on some blogs, I can't help but find myself outraged by the amount of weightloss bloggers using terms like "shameful" or "horrible" or any of these outright negative adjectives about being overweight. How do you think that feels to someone reading your blog who has not yet begun their journey to get healthy? You're basically telling all of us who are overweight that we should feel terrible for where we are...

Guess what?

That doesn't work.

Shaming and demeaning and beating yourself up doesn't get you any closer to healthy

You know what does? Loving where you are. Accepting it.

Appreciating your body for even it's simplest of functions like pumping blood or breathing air.

If you can't accept where you are, you'll never get to where you want to be. Acceptance and love gives you the power to make real change. You might think I'm stupid for saying that, but it's true. I know a thing or two about this after a decade on this journey.

Get positive or get out of my blogroll. I will be deleting many blogs in the near future if this trend continues.

Ending note: I accept all of you where you are. I wish you would do the same for yourself and everyone else.

Losing.

2011-04-13T07:50:00.003-05:00

It's a gray day here in Minneapolis, which is a strange change from the delightful, sunny, 70 degree weather we've been enjoying over the last few days. It's not to be unexpected, of course, it is April, and we are expecting MORE SNOW this weekend, but for some reason it feels ominous.

I skipped the gym yesterday as my muscles were feeling explosive, ready to burst out of my skin at any second. Getting back into strength training is very important, though painful. I have lost so much muscle memory over the last year. It's amazing to me. But today I'll be back at the gym and back at the resistance training, working my way back up.

I had a mild slip up yesterday, ending my dinner within my calorie limits, but sneaking back into the kitchen and inhaling a bag of yogurt covered pretzels. No particular reason. I wasn't even hungry. It just felt like something to do.

I've been battling some emotional demons, feeling down on myself, and for whatever reason stress eating is still such a big thing. I stopped, with about 1/4 of the bag left, and put it away. I tucked myself in and tried to focus on what and how I was feeling. I didn't really get very far into it before I drifted off to sleep, but the little pieces I can remember landing on had to do with some fear and some lingering resentment in one of my relationships. I hope I can spend a little time thinking on it today, getting closer to the root and beginning the process of letting it go.

The rest of my week is blur of multi-colored calendar items. Some of which are fun, some of which are a whole lot of work, and others are fitness related. I'm looking forward to Saturday, which will be a nice with "the girls" getting mani/pedis and drinking at a local watering hole. I plan to indulge in a diet soda, as the next day is another friend's birthday party, which mainly consists of the world's largest Bloody Mary bar. I'd far prefer to indulge in my mani/pedi and skip the booze Saturday to build up a delicious bloody on Sunday.

That's the plan for now, and hopefully I can stick to it.

I have been hitting the very top range of my calorie limits each day on SparkPeople. I think that upping up the fitness efforts I've been putting in over the last month is making me hungry. Which is to be assumed, I suppose, as I'm forcing my body to exert large amounts of energy, I need to replace that energy somehow.

I had a miniature epiphany yesterday, of something so simple. Given the low range of my calorie limits, I can eat 3 meals of around 300 cals, and 2 snacks at around 150 cals. Why didn't a realize this before? It's easy! Now I just need to actually plan around it.

I've been attempting to eat intuitively, just listening to what it is I *REALLY* want, and eating a reasonable portion of it. It's been working, but it is landing me in the top tier, and the scale is showing nothing, though I can already see that my clothes are a bit looser and my body is a bit tighter. It is time for me to start planning my meals. It is something that has worked for me in the past. I wanted to be less restrictive this time, but it's clear that in order to RE-lose the weight, I'm going to have to have rules, strong ones, and when the weight is gone is when I will work harder on learning to eat intuitively, maintaining my weight, rather than losing.

Losing is the hard part.

Well, maintaining is the hard part too.

UpLifting.

2011-04-11T19:36:00.002-05:00

I did it.

I lifted. I lifted a lot. I strength trained HARD. I was sweating buckets and grunting and pushing myself harder than I have in a very long time. It felt amazing.

I'm sore as all hell, already, just 7 hours later, but I wouldn't trade it. I know that this is going to be the thing that jolts me back to feeling strong, and that's what I want and need right now.

I will admit, and confess, that I accidentally rewarded myself. Over-rewarded myself this evening. I went to a going-away party for a friend and didn't know there would be a free spread. I had a drink, which I had planned for, and passed up another though they were free. But the food I wasn't expecting. There was a cheese plate, my weakness. I try not to keep cheese in the house because it becomes a free for all, as if it will go bad in a matter of minutes and I need to eat it all immediately.

Overall, I didn't do too bad, considering the circumstances and how nuts I was known to go in the past (way back when). I tracked every morsel and I am now even for the day. I ate back every calorie I burned at the gym, and that's fine. Muscle keeps burning those calories and the more that I continue to strength train the more I am stoking my metabolism to make room for little guilty pleasures like a cheese plate.

I feel amazing.

Strength.

2011-04-09T12:55:00.004-05:00

I just spent about an hour readying my Strength Training worksheets. Though I've quit Weight Watchers I am still a really big fan of their "Activity Worksheet." I've uploaded it in a .jpg form so that it can be shared. Simply click "Expand to fit page" when you go to print.

Using Fitness Magazine's online site, I found a whole bunch of new Total Body Workouts. When I first started losing weight, Fitness Magazine was my favorite thing to find in my mailbox. Each month I would have new routines to focus my efforts on, which always kept the results pouring in because I was never bored, continually switching it up and challenging/confusing my body at every turn.

Today I created 3 of these worksheets, each with a different strength training workout.

Since I've been back to the gym, I've been avoiding picking up the dumbbells again. Honestly, I couldn't tell you why. Strength Training was BY FAR the biggest catalyst of the change in my body; and not only that, I really enjoyed it. Feeling and being strong is such a giant piece of my personality. Perhaps that's where the intimidation steps in. I'm not as strong as I once was, and my fear is that I'll never get back there. It's irrational, then, of course, that I wouldn't begin to at least try to get there, as every single day that I avoid re-building my muscles is a day that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So.

These little sheets are color coded and ready for my use because after all, "failing to plan is a plan to fail."

Reminder.

2011-04-08T16:00:00.002-05:00

I am doing an awful job of updating regularly.

The important part is that the "real" work is still getting done, and since my last update I've made a few important changes.

After many many many years and many pounds lost, I have decided to dump my unfulfilling relationship with Weight Watchers. Like any relationship, it was something that worked for me once, and despite exhausting all the options, no longer does.

I had joined SparkPeople many years ago to supplement my Weight Watchers membership, but never really used all the resources they provide... for free. Instead I continued to hand over my money to WW and follow their program, which is fantastic, by the way, for some people. But last week, after realizing I hadn't been tracking (because I told you guys) and hadn't logged in, hadn't used a WW recipe and hadn't been doing a thing in relation to WW, I decided it was time to cut the cord. Stop paying them for being my "back up." And I moved to SparkPeople full-time.

I have been following SparkPeople for about 9 days and it is new and exciting and helps me to keep track of things that are important to me: Fitness AND Nutritional Information. All of it: calories, fat, sodium, carbs, etc etc etc. No more counting "points" I know longer understand.

I have been charging full-speed-ahead with my fitness routine, promising 30 minutes of cardio daily and generally putting in at least 45 minutes at the gym. Sooner or later I'll increase that time, but for now I am doing due diligence to simply get to the gym whenever I can. I have been averaging 6 days a week and I am celebrating that accomplishment even as I type this.

Also, because it's April, just like last year I am participating in #30daysofbiking, a collaboration project of a couple friends of mine encouraging any and everyone to ride their bikes daily for 30 days straight. This helps me move a little bit more, doing something I'd already be doing, but having a goal to do it regardless of how I feel. It's the 8th and I haven't missed a day yet. Hooray.

Now that Spring is here, have you made any changes?

EiEiOh.

2011-03-30T06:09:00.006-05:00

I didn't even touch on the billions of other things happening in my life, that are perhaps a source of joy feeding into the ease of this last month's eating and exercise.

My totally amazing manpanion (boyfriend, but a better word) have surpassed a year of dating. My project to be single for all of 2010 failed somewhere around March. No problem though, because this man has infinitely inspired me to make so many amazing changes. He's challenging in a positive way, and he brings so much joy.

I am going "back" to school. Those are the wrong terms, as that may give you the impression I have already been to college, received a bachelors degree and now I'm going back to pursue a new passion. No. I skipped that whole college phase of life and went straight to work. And while I've been wildly successful in my own mind, having gotten where I am with no education after High School, I have way bigger dreams. So I'll be headed TO school in the fall, starting that college phase a decade too late (Whatever. It's never too late) and taking way longer than it would have had I gone straight after graduation. I'll be working full time and schooling full time, which ought to make the rest of my life interesting in comparison. I'll have to become a genius expert in organization. In about another decade I should be starting a PhD program. That's after I get my BS and Masters degrees. And however long after that, I'll be a doctor of love. Literally. I will be studying human relationships and sex, to be a practicing and continued research doctor. I am interested in lifting the blanket of shame this culture cultivates around sex, specifically in and for women. There are a variety of paths I'm interested in. Sex and Pleasure after sexual trauma. Finding sexual confidence through body changes (weight gain, having a baby, et al), the options are endless, and it's still a far way away. Those 2 things really drive the every day. My life is neat, and I am neat by comparison.

***************

Special Edit for Jen and Alexa. I mentioned on Twitter this morning that I "had photographic evidence" of what a year of living on the 3rd floor has done for my booty. They questioned as to why I would have photographic evidence.

Well, dear readers, this time last year in a bout of flirting there was a picture email game with my manpanion. Like HORSE in basketball, but with photographs. Tit for tat, if you will. Either way, noticing the date, I decided to take a similar picture, though it's a slightly different angle. Red = 2010, Stripes = 2011. Round and out there and by MY definition, a little higher.

Sir Mix-A-Lot would totally want my number.

Going Going Going.

2011-03-29T06:17:00.003-05:00

Things have been going great.

Honestly.

It seems odd to say because despite paying for Weight Watchers online last month, I never opened it.

I stopped tracking.

Most of us who've been "around the block" when it comes to weight loss know that tracking your food intake and accounting for it in some way (be it points, calories, etc) is one of the biggest factors in weight loss, and I AM still trying to lose weight.

But you know what? A month has gone by and my clothes are fitting better. I've been getting to the gym on mostly-daily basis and my spirits are at an all-time high. We could say it's because the snow blanket has mostly lifted and allowed us a glimpse at spring. I could say any number of things, but I know the root.

When I am "dieting" I feel trapped. When I am "dieting" I judge what everyone else is eating, comparing it to my plate and either feel shamed or smug. When I am "dieting" it doesn't feel like a choice. It feels like a list of rules. A list of things I cannot do and cannot have.

The reason Weight Watchers has always been so appealing to me (and worked very very well at one point in my life) is because it's dieting without "dieting." It teaches you to eat within normal limits. Well, now I know all that.

I know what I can and can't eat.

What's left is the choice to do what's best for my body.

In the last month, I have listened to my body. What I want to eat at what time. Even when it's an entire chocolate bar, I eat it, and then I listen some more. When I was "dieting," that chocolate bar would be considered a binge. And that binge would trigger more binging because I'd already done it, so why don't I just make it count (aka make it worse). Now, that chocolate bar satisfies a craving. A craving which is perfectly normal. And because I really listened for what I wanted, that craving was satiated. It's gone. The chocolate bar was consumed and I went on with my life. And if I listened hard enough, I realized that I was a lot less hungry at my next meal, and I cut back.

Intuitive eating. I never thought I could get here, and I am certainly no expert. The scale hasn't moved more than 2lbs, but my jeans are sliding on rather than using the jaws of life to pull them. And... I'm happy. That's all I've really wanted.

This can take another 30 years if need be. That's fine. As long as I'm making the healthiest choices for MY body, I'll be happy.

Good Morning.

2011-03-19T06:54:00.002-05:00

It's been a while.

Last time we talked, I was planning how to stay on track after a disaster of a Superbowl party, but a massively successful Valentine's Day.

And then... I got sick again.

Really really sick.

Can't even play on the internet sick. For a week. And then another week (though luckily I was back playing on the internet) and finally well enough to go back to work. However, the last 3 weeks have contained a lingering cough and feeling of general malaise.

Pneumonia probably. I wrote my doctor an e-mail (THE FUTURE) and she prescribed me some antibiotics to knock the junk out. It's my 5th day and it seems to be working well.

I have been to the gym every day this week. Enough of the Minnesota snow has melted that I felt comfortable bringing my new(er) bike out to ride around, so getting places is a lot more fun now. I roasted a chicken. I made beef stew. I mashed sweet potatoes. I cooked up the most delicious dish which I am sharing with you here:

Pork Medallions with Ginger Pears and Chutney

/4 pound pork tenderloin, cut into 1" slices
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp coarsely ground black pepper
2 tsp canola oil
2 pears, peeled, cored and cut into chunks
2 tsp grated peeled ginger
1 garlic clove, minced
1/4 cup mango chutney
1/4 cup chicken broth
2 tsp chopped fresh thyme or 1/2 tsp dried

Sprinkle the pork with salt and pepper. Heat 1 tsp of the oil in a nonstick skillet over high-heat. Arrange the pork in the skillet in a single layer so that the slices don't touch, in batches if necessary; cook until browned, about 3 minutes on each side. Transfer the meat to a plate and cover to keep warm.

Add the remaining 1 tsp oil to the skillet. Add the pears, ginger and garlic. Cook, stirring often, until the pears are tender and golden (5 minutes). Add the chutney, broth and thyme. Bring to a boil, scraping the browned bits from the bottom of the skillet and cook until the sauce thickens slightly, about 5 minutes.

Arrange the pork on a platter and spoon the pear mixture on top.

Trudging along.

2011-02-17T07:46:00.002-06:00

Well, just as I'm getting all set for my weigh-in tomorrow morning, I get a little email alert from MyMonthlyCycles.com reminding me that TOM is coming today. That's fine, because while I had a minor freakout that the scale is not going to accurately reflect the work I've done in the last week (which is a lot of awesome work), I read this article, reminding me that this is a long term goal. A very long term goal. A life goal, really. And I have my whole life to complete it.

However, this week, I'm super proud of myself. Despite the fact that I've had a difficult time sleeping, and have been way too busy to get to the gym, I did make time for what has become a priority: preparing healthy meals.

I knew that nearly every moment of this week was scheduled out, so I took Sunday night and a little bit of Monday afternoon (the only hours I had free) to prepare for the week ahead. I slow simmered some bison on the range in some vegetable stock and red wine, later adding to it: beets, carrots, a sweet potato, a rutabaga and some garlic. After all that stuff was in there, I tossed it in the oven and left the house for a few hours. When I got home to take it out, everything was just falling apart, in a good way. ABSOLUTELY delicious stew. Amazing. I portioned it out into single servings after entering all the ingredients into the Recipe Builder on my plan managers for Weight Watchers. I labeled each portion with the points and tossed half of it in the freezer and the other half in the fridge.

I also made one of my favorite Weight Watchers recipes: Cranberry Pear Chicken. I portioned it, put it in the recipe builder and labeled it.

I grocery shopped for good snacks: snap pea pods, carrots, apples, pears, bananas, bell peppers.

I bought Scottish Oats for breakfast only to find that not only are they a billion times more satisfying than instant oatmeal (and easier to prepare than steel cut oats) but they are lower in PlusPoints as well! I made a batch for the week, portioned it out and labeled it. All I have to do for breakfast is pour in a tiny bit of almond milk, microwave and eat.

Being that this week contained Valentine's Day, I bought 3 very delicious, very gourmet chocolate bars from the co-op. I broke them down into portions (weighing them on my food scale) and put them in snack bags, labeling the kind of chocolate (Crystalized ginger in Dark Chocolate, Cherries and Almonds in Dark Chocolate, and REALLY REALLY DARK CHOCOLATE) and the amount of PlusPoints in the serving. I broke half the bar into 1oz servings, and the other half into .5oz servings so that I can easily decide if it's a "little chocolate" time or "a lot of chocolate" time.

Last night, a friend who's having a rough go of it simply needed to run some errands. She doesn't have a car and REAL grocery shopping (the kind busy people need to do) can be difficult on the bike. So we took my car to Trader Joes, where I don't often shop as I'm attempting to be more of a locavore these past few years, to pick up a few things. She is Gluten Free and Trader Joes really does a great job of labeling their GF items so they're easy to find. Plus, it's cheap and she doesn't really care. So..

2 heaping bags of food for her later, and a handful (literally) of items for me, we were done. Not without stopping into the liquor side for a few bottles of wine, however. Riesling FTW.

I have stayed at my points target every day this week because I knew I would not have much, if any, time to exercise outside of walking a little further or running up and down my 3 flights of stairs to get things done.

Regardless of what the scale says tomorrow, I know I'm on the right track again, having massively recovered from falling off the wagon on Superbowl Sunday.

How did you do this week, especially if you celebrate Valentine's Day?

Rewards!

2011-02-15T15:45:00.003-06:00

My friend Kassie at Fat Athlete is brainstorming her reward for breaking out of the 200s.

I got to thinking about the fact that I haven't rewarded myself yet in this new bout of weight loss.

My highest weight for the regain was 170lbs. My most recent weigh in was 161.4lbs. That means I've already lost 8.6lbs! That's great. ...but it means I missed my 5lb reward, so I'm going to go ahead and order that today.

Want to know what it is? It's kind of boring.

Tweezerman Tweezers!

I'm Italian, and as such, I totally have whiskers. I also have unruly eyebrows and coarse hair that often breaks off with the crappy tweezers I have. So, I've been meaning to get a pair of these for YEARS but just kept forgetting. Tweezerman offers free sharpening, so it's incredibly valuable. Great tweezers for life!

And it got me thinking that I should be pretty close to my 10lbs goal if last week's Superbowl party didn't put me too high up there that I won't lose it with my hard work this week. Then I decided I needed to make up rewards that I'd be excited to work toward. I never really did this during my first bout of weight loss.

10lbs: New HRM to replace broken/old/gross one.

15lbs: A new kitchen knife!

20lbs: Running Shoes!

25lbs: THIS adorable bra and panties set from my favorite website that carries small band/big cup sizes like mine.

30lbs: I don't know....

GOAL: I don't know!

I'm thinking GOAL reward needs to be pretty huge. It had always been a trip to Costa Rica to go to a Surf Camp I really really want to go to. I also really really want to learn to surf. It's also a yoga camp. It's also a super healthy eating camp. It seems like a perfect reward. Problem, it's about $2000 without airfare. So... $3000 reward? Not at all in my budget.

Can you help me brainstorm those last two rewards? Do you have your rewards set? What are they?

Packers win, I lose.

2011-02-08T07:39:00.002-06:00

I did a very poor job managing my intake at the Superbowl Party. So much so, in fact, that I ate up all of my Activity Points and all of my Weekly Points Allowance, and then some.

I ended the night with 8 points in the hole.

Yesterday, I went to the gym and cranked it up. I earned back 6 points, leaving myself -2 in the hole for the week. Staring at that little stupid red number sent me into a panic, because I've been doing so well. What to do when panic sets in? Eat of course!

Man.

It's been nearly 8 years on this WL journey and sometimes my responses are still the same. Though, I will credit myself and say that at least more often than not... they're not.

So, I went on a little binge yesterday, and lost track of how much I scarfed down. I tried to track it to the best of my memory, but we'll just say I totally screwed the week up. But it's just a week. One week in the grand scale of what is not really even 1/3 of my life so far on this earth. I have plenty of time.

This morning, I've kind of decided that given my response to that little red number, I may skip the scale this week. Knowing I've probably gained, I just want to continue to stay the course. Get back on track and hopefully see a tiny bit of improvement next week when I jump on.

You can judge that however you want. I don't care if YOU would get on the scale anyway, I'm not you and you're not me and we don't do things the same way so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't tell me what to do unless I ask for your opinion.

I WOULD, however, appreciate some new meal ideas. Whenever I need to stay the course and be REALLY on point, I like to cook something new. It feeds back in some of the excitement that fades knowing there is no wiggle room.

So.. if you have simple recipes with minimal ingredients (or a lot of things I would have on hand) I would LOVE to hear about some of your favorite meals.

Because I need reminding.

2011-02-05T10:25:00.006-06:00

I'm crabby today.

I woke up too early, disrupting what was already a pretty awful dream.

I got to the gym early before it got crowded (yay) and worked really really hard for an hour (yay).

Returned home, made a super delicious and healthful breakfast of egg whites + leftover salmon cakes with fiery bell pepper salsa. (yay) I had an apple. (yay)

With all of this Yay Celebration going on, what the hell is my problem?

I'm not totally sure.

I realized though, that I'm just feeling tired, literally, and lacking some motivation. I thought it would be a good plan to remind myself where I've been and where I've been. Yes, I said that twice. I've been at my heaviest adult weight and I've been at my lowest adult weight. I'm currently sitting somewhere in the middle. 40lbs below the heaviest and a little less than 20lbs above goal weight.

The interesting part is that when I think about either of those weights, heaviest or lightest, there's a trend - confidence. I felt sexy at both weights. I felt strong and capable. That's the missing puzzle piece right now. I already feel defeated.

I'm hoping that a little napping and relaxation today will take care of that.

Spicy Chicken

2011-02-04T13:53:00.002-06:00

Yesterday Missy asked for the recipe to my Spicy Pulled Chicken leftovers I used in my Lunch Tales concoction, so here it is:

1 pound uncooked boneless/skinless chicken breasts (I usually use thighs because they're cheaper and more flavorful)
4-8 large garlic cloves (unpeeled)
2-4 dried ancho peppers (I LOVE spice, so I do not seed them and use 4, but if you just want a little smokey bite, use 2 and seed them)
1/2 cup tomato sauce
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp salt
cilantro

Place chicken in a single layer in a large nonstick skillet, cover with water. Add cilantro sprigs (5-6) and 1 peeled clove of garlic. Cook chicken breasts over medium heat until no longer pink in the center (10-15 minutes). Remove chicken from pan and let cool; reserve pan liquid.

Shred cooled chicken and set aside. Pour that reserved cooking liquid over dried ancho peppers in a medium bowl. Cover and soak peppers about 10 minutes.

Heat a small skillet over medium heat. Add remaining unpeeled garlic cloves and roast in pan, turning frequently until blackened in spots. Remove to a small bowl and when cool enough to handle, peel them.

Place peppers, garlic, tomato sauce and cumin in jar of a blender (or small bowl if you have an immersion blender, which is what I use) and blend on high until smooth (4 minutes generally because of the peppers). Pour mixture into a sauce pan, add chicken and heat through.

BOOM. Done. Yum.

SO good in so many ways. Taco salad, fajitas, on nachos, with black beans on cottage cheese and SO many other ways. Enjoy!

Lunch Tales.

2011-02-03T12:31:00.002-06:00

Throwing together some lunch with the leftovers I have.

Polenta rounds. 4 of them. Weighing in at 5oz of cooked polenta (3 PointsPlus)
Avocado. 1/4 of a regular sized bad boy. (3 PointsPlus)
Spicy pulled chicken, 2 oz [and 1 more that I ate while waiting for polenta to broil] (2 PointsPlus)
1/4 cup cooked black beans (1 PointsPlus)

Total = 9 points plus, but totally filling and a good mix of carbs, protein and good fats. YUM.

Did it.

2011-02-03T07:43:00.002-06:00

Well, I went to the gym despite my Fat Day, knowing that if I didn't go, today would be a Fat Day too. It is, but not because I went to the gym.

Remember I promised myself I only had to do 30 minutes? 20 of moderate effort and 10 of strenuous effort. I did that, plus 15 more. Getting back into the swing of things after being KNOCKED ON YOUR ASS with sickness is pretty tough. I really struggled through what is usually my simple, lazy, hungover, first day of TOM style workout. Anyhow, did it. Done.

The Manpanion offered to feed me last night prior to a birthday party we were attending. I reluctantly accepted, knowing that he's been trying really hard to pare down meals and understand how Weight Watchers works. He did another AMAZING job, feeding me a meal that totaled to only 4 PlusPoints! Nice work Manpanion!

Because he did such an amazing job, I got to have a really delicious beer at the Birthday dinner and I held a baby - which was a fantastic and terrible idea. We visited this baby the day after it was delivered in the hospital. I was on about day 12 of the sick at that time, feeling well enough to be out and about but knowing better than to hold a baby or really be near the newborn baby. So I have been patiently waiting like EIGHT DAYS to hold this baby. It was everything I wanted it to be.

Tonight I have Broomball, which is my new favorite way to get in my activity. Running on ice has to be worth at least double the Activity Points but since my HRM is broken and I don't "earn" a new one until I've lost 15lbs, I couldn't tell you.

My, what a boring, clustered entry.

I know half the country is covered in snow right now (HAHAHA), so I wonder how you're getting your activity in while you're all stuck in your homes?

Fat Day.

2011-02-02T07:16:00.002-06:00

I'm having a "Fat Day." These days are few and far between for me these days, which is great. I haven't felt fat since I pretty much was "fat," however we're going to describe that.

For me it was being 5'2" and over 200lbs. That was "fat." I'm just a hair over 160 now and while I'd love to be closer to my goal weight (138) I usually think I look pretty fabulous. Or at least feel fabulous, and look like I can accomplish all the things I can. Like bench a billion pounds and run miles without stopping. Those are things I couldn't do when I was "fat."

I think I'm having a "fat day" because this sick is still hold on, though intermittently. I haven't been exercising for the past 2 weeks, save for Broomball and that trip to the gym. I feel lazy. I feel squishy. I feel totally unmotivated.

I'm going to change that however. Or at the very least, fight it. I've planned a trip to the gym for immediately after I complete my office hours today. I promised I'd put in 10 minutes of REALLY HARD EXERCISE and I can slack the other 20 minutes I've promised myself I'd do. 30 minutes, moderate and intense. I can break those 10 minutes up into 2 minute increments if I want, it just needs to add up to 10 huffing-puffing-wish-I-was-dead style working.

What do you do when you fall out of step?

Meatcups.

2011-01-31T15:31:00.002-06:00

HOW FREAKING CUTE ARE THESE?

I'm going to lighten up this recipe later this week and make it for my favorite boys.

Ultimate adorable portion control.

Lazy Workout.

2011-01-31T07:55:00.002-06:00

My "triumphant" return to the gym was pretty tame. This illness has moved itself into my lungs as of... about 6 days ago and it's set up a pretty strong camp. This rendered me useless for anything cardio, and sapped my energy in the strength training department.

I met my friend/co-worker David for a 6:00am workout at the YWCA. We walked around the track quickly to get the heart rates up in a simple way due to my plague. Then, on to the weights. I'm already sore. Literally. David always pushes the limits because he's a gigantic dude. 6'2" and about 250lbs. Clearly we're not evenly matched.

I fell off the "clean eating" wagon yesterday, but reigned it back in quickly and even got in a little bit of activity walking through a foot of snow for half a mile on our way to the Art Sled Rally, which is a annual event in my neighborhood.

I'm starting to wonder if I have pneumonia. This is my 16th day of being sick. That's a really long time. When do I go to the doctor? Yikes.

Back to it... slightly.

2011-01-28T07:31:00.003-06:00

That illness really knocked me out. I am still sick, believe it or not, but have been back to work for 2 days and even played broomball last night, so I'm back in it.

I weighed in this AM and was pleased to see that not only had I lost the gain I found last week with TOM and the sick, but had lost an additional .8lbs with it. Woohoo! We're on a roll.

I'll be back with a better update, but I just wanted to hold myself accountable for the weigh in and celebrate a bit.

SSS.

2011-01-20T21:37:00.003-06:00

SUPER SUPER SICK.

So so sick.

I finally caught a cold this winter season and it is overcoming me. I did fine the first day, the 2nd day I was so bored that I succumbed to boredom/stress eating. I had a million things to do but without the energy to do them, I slipped and let my energy fall to every easily edible thing in the house. Anything to numb the pain.

I know better to do this, but I am in foreign territory here. I haven't been REALLY SUPER SUPER SICK since moving into my own place last January. I am not used to having no one around to take care of me in some way. Trips to the store, bringing me a cup of tea, etc. Not used to living around. Even though he offered, I denied the manpanion access to me in this situation. I don't want him to get sick and I feel so gross that I just don't even want the company.

Tonight I went out for some miso soup because I had a workshop to attend that I'd been looking forward to for months. Miso and tea and then the 2 hour workshop. I powered through, but I feel disabled now.

I have been sitting here thinking about how much I don't want to weigh in tomorrow, but I'm not going to play that game. I will take my massive salt/TOM/binge induced gain and be just fine with it and watch my progress continue as I keep going.

Time to sleep.

Yowch.

2011-01-19T07:02:00.003-06:00

It seems I have returned to blogging regularly enough that I get to do my first womanly post of 2011. That's right, TOM. Yesterday was my first day and boy oh boy did it get the best of me.

Well, the best of the prepared-for-TOM me, anyway.

I hit up the bulk bin at my co-op, thus allowing me to purchase small amounts of the snacks I knew I was going to reach for. I needed something salty, something sweet and something indulgent. I grabbed a scoop of yogurt covered pretzels, agave gummy bears and dark chocolate covered almonds.

The key here is the twisty ties. I HATE THOSE THINGS. I tie up my little bags with them and then I don't even want to open them. After the initial super-tight-twist, they're a pain in the ass. I spend the majority of my days untying ridiculous knots and typing, so by the time I want a snack, I don't want to work for it. I don't want to untwist the tiniest of stupid twisty-ties. I hate those things. I'm repeating that for effect.

SO! It's actually a strategy. Because having those bags of delicious all sealed up with twisty-ties means that by the time I'm going into one for an inappropriate amount of whatever is inside, I have enough time to make a better decision or just get frustrated and throw the thing back into my snack basket because I can't deal with the damn twisty-ties. I'm serious. I realize this is a really stupid neuroses to have, but I have it and sometimes it works in my favor.

You may be wondering why I would go out and buy dangerous snacks during TOM? Well, the thing about binge eaters like myself, is that we generally have something in mind that we actually want to eat... and a small amount of that actual thing would suffice and we'd be satisfied of that craving. However, because we try to keep temptation out of the house, we'll just eat everything else searching for something that might satisfy in that same way. It never does. And then we've eaten everything else too, so you're still going to make a trip to the grocery store because now you have no food. It's preparation.

I went a little overboard on them either way. I had 8 of the dark chocolate covered almonds after dinner, which were rich enough to make me feel a little ill. I was already starting to get a scratch in my throat (I am finally getting sick, after every single close friend has caught at least 2 colds this season, and my manpanion had one for nearly 3 weeks, I stayed safe. My guard has been dropped and I'm affected now) so the chocolate made that pretty uncomfortable. 8 of those was 11 PlusPoints. Not too bad. But then, I went on a gummy bear rampage. I ate that whole bag. I had 2 oz, which was everything I bought, semi-knowing this would happen. 2 oz of the agave gummies was 6 points. Not too shabby. So, I wasted 17 points on sweet stuff that I didn't really need minutes before passing out.

It happened. I've washed my hands of it. Now I just have less of my Weekly Points Allowance to play with today and tomorrow, which probably won't matter much because when I get sick, I just want to sleep and drink tea all the time.

Generally, I still workout during TOM as well, but yesterday I was not into it. I gave myself a pass. I still went to the gym, but only to scan my card and pick up a CityPages and walk back out. It's the cheaters way to be sure to get the discount. I would happily have made up that off-day today, but now that I am coming down with something, I will back off. It's important to me to get my health back up and also not to infect anyone else. If by Friday I'm feeling top-notch, I will go and do something light, like a bike or just walking on the treadmill - just to get my blood moving around.

I'm at work now and desperately wishing to be in bed, beginning the rest that I know will knock this cold out of the park. However, I managed to give myself a stomach flu last week and missed 2 days of work, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to power on through this time as I'm behind.

Tomorrow will be the more difficult of these last two days in the office. (I only actually go in Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday from 6:30am to 12:30pm. The other 2 week days are spent working exclusively from my home office, as well as the afternoons Tu-Th are also finished up there). When office hours are over tomorrow, I need to stick around for an hour finishing up odds and ends and then force myself into a meeting that rarely has anything to do with me or my program but is mandatory by our Executive Director. After that, I'll have approximately 2 hours to relax my cold before meeting up with a friend for Happy Hour and attending a workshop.

When THAT is over, I will go home and sleep forever. Possibly even through Friday, just so that I can get over whatever has taken up residence in my throat.

So I'm curious about your TOM. Do you do anything different to prepare? Do you still exercise?

Off topic.

2011-01-17T22:55:00.002-06:00

To further my reach and against my better judgement and sense of decency... I'm bringing this here plea over to this blog.

My manpanion is a nominee in a Hotness Contest, which is exactly as it sounds.

If you're bored and have a minute, please vote for him here. It involves creating a sign in for Vita.mn, a local weekly newspaper here in Minneapolis, which you never have to deal with again.

If he wins, my own hotness is validated because he chooses me, and he's winning a hotness contest. Plus, he's freaking hot. Amazingly hot.

SSssssSSSssssssssizzling.

Your help is appreciated.

Ouch.

2011-01-16T17:45:00.002-06:00

My legs are screaming in pain.

I got myself together and made it to the gym, though the way this lazy morning went, I wasn't really sure it was going to happen.

Last night, I had a double date with one of my new(er) friends and her husband. We had cocktails at The Bradstreet and then hit up The Seville, which is a Gentleman's club. Yes, real wives and girlfriends support entertainment of this matter, don't judge. I bought my manpanion a lap dance, and after a while we drifted to a nearby dance club and sweat off a ton of calories.

I had given myself permission to "splurge" a bit on the evening because lately the manpanion and I haven't been going "out." He has been so incredibly supportive with my return to weight loss. Last week, we met up for lunch at One on One Bicycle near his office. The owner is a bike friend of mine and he lets us brown bag it in his cafe because I am such an excellent coffee consumer. We used the time for me to explain all the ins and outs of the Weight Watchers program... BECAUSE HE ASKED. He asked how it worked, he asked how to determine PlusPoints and how he could help build us healthier meals. We played around in the Plan Manager and I explained how Activity Points and Weekly Points Allowances work. It felt so great to not only be supported in my goals, but to have someone who eagerly wants to help.

So last night, the manpanion made us dinner. Small portions of amazing salmon, cooked with oil, snap pea pods, carrots and a delicious spicy glaze of sesame oil and sriracha, which is totally my favorite condiment in the world, and a GIANT bowl of fresh fruit. I had banked a ton of APs at the gym earlier in the day by running, walking, using the stepmill and lifting some SERIOUS weights. I ended the night using 17 APs, which I totally had. I got to splurge within my budgeted points! I felt extremely accomplished.

This morning, we laid in bed forever. Had french press coffee and homemade waffles with pineapple rum compote and blueberries (another splurge, but it was brunch, so it was totally worth it) and then laid under a down comforter on the couch just talking. By the time 4:00pm rolled around, I knew I needed to get my butt to the gym because tomorrow is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and the YWCA is closed and I am GOING to earn that health insurance discount.

I had it in my head that I'd take the lazy route, which to me means the elliptical. I mostly think that machine is bullshit. It's great for people with injuries or just starting to get fit or exercise, but for the most part, it's very low impact and doesn't do a whole lot. It is my lazy way out. I had decided to do the lazy girl's workout, but when I got on the machine, I decided to do a hill climb and cranked the resistance up even more. I was dripping sweat by the 10th minute and by the 30th, when I was done, I kind of wanted to die.

Climbing that hill after all the squats and lunges I did during my strength routine yesterday, in addition to the leg press (I can press 220lbs!) my hamstrings were ON FIRE. ON FIRE. It kind of felt literal. They were burning and aching and throbbing. I spent extra time stretching to cool down since I was only putting in 30 minutes compared to my usual 60-90 minutes.

I had a fabulous weekend. I'm excited for what this week has in store.

Is your gym closed tomorrow? What's your fitness plan?

Catching up.

2011-01-14T21:57:00.003-06:00

It's Friday night.

I've already swept, scrubbed and mopped the floors. Cleaned the tub. Did all the dishes. All the laundry.

I turned down a delightful dinner invitation from Jen to stay in line with my goals to clean the house, eat dinner at home and save more money. Also, it's snowing [again] and people in MN still don't know how to drive.

After all of that, I had time to catch up on some of the blogs I love reading. Here are some really worthwhile reads:

Alexa at My Tale of Two Cities writes about "The Boyfriend Weight."

Calorie Count blog touches on "tasting" and "picking" while you're cooking.

Lorrie, The Token Fat Girl, answers some really tough questions about her weight loss journey.

The DailySpark shells out 8 totally delicious sounding stew recipes!

I found an article that will help me with my Pull Up goal!

Progress!

2011-01-14T08:00:00.002-06:00

I lost 2.4lbs this week!

I'm excited, enthused, ecstatic and ready to hit the gym.

Teenagers.

2011-01-13T06:42:00.003-06:00

Something struck me on Monday when I was returning home from my workout. I pulled up at the same time my ridiculously kind but somewhat downtrodden neighbor, Frank, was warming up his truck and scraping the thin layer of ice from the windshield. He saw my car coming and started waving excitedly and as soon as I got out of the car we had a very nice conversation about the week ahead, the weather, isn't it crazy, etc. A few minutes in to it, his kids came out of the house. They're probably 13 and 16 respectively. Sourest faces you've ever seen.

The kids looked at their father in disgust, for seemingly no reason, yelling demands at him to "Get going." I've seen them treat Frank this way a billion times. I often want to grab them and shake them and tell them that their parents give them everything they have! How can you treat them that way?

..and then I had a really tiny but pretty massive revelation.

My mind is a teenager and my body is the parent.

In the same way it "wouldn't be fair" for me to not go to that party on Friday just because no parents will be there, it "isn't fair" that I can't eat cake all day and not lose weight. I can lay on the couch all day instead of exercise, much like a teenager might lay on the couch and not take out the damn trash. It doesn't take that long, just do it.

My body provides everything for me. A house for my bones and guts and heart. It allows me to move from place to place, like work, or play. It literally keeps me alive. That's its job.

Just like a parent.

I've always envied that parent/child relationship where it's all hugs and smiles and deep conversations. Best friends with a parental twist. I want that for my body.

My Lifestyle.

2011-01-12T10:37:00.002-06:00

After my last blog post on goal setting, I wanted to let Ann's comments really sink in. They're totally reasonable and valid, especially if you really want to be dedicated to weight loss, but sometimes life gets in the way, and that is just [my] reality.

I tried to picture my ideal lifestyle, or the kind of person I want to be, and settled in quite comfortably on the fact that the reason I have gained back some of this weight is because I absolutely am, and want to be, a social creature. The odd thing is, as we get old(er), social outings turn more and more into calorie consumption. Coffee, happy hour, dinner, etc. In the dead of winter it's hard to convince a girlfriend to join you for a -20 degree walk with the dog. It's even harder yet to convince the jet-setters to come play a game of broomball.

My professional life requires me to attend a lot of networking events. I can certainly choose not to indulge at these events, but that's genuinely not what I want to do. I know I can strike a balance, and it's a learning game. I'm going to fail. A lot. And I will learn from it.

I'll learn that I think miniature desserts are adorable and I want to put them in my mouth. A bunch of times. 10 times. And then I'll learn that 10 mini cupcakes amount to a gain on the scale when coupled with a few glasses of wine and some cheese and crackers. And then I'll learn that next time I can still have a mini cupcake, but we'll leave the "s" off the end, and I can still have a glass of wine, but I'll take a few sips and set it down and have a conversation because really, I'm there to further my career, not drink free wine and stuff cupcakes down my throat.

The compromise I have dedicated myself to so far on this new leg of the journey is cooking at home more. I have eaten at home every night this year, which is pretty good considering we're nearly 2 weeks in. I've enjoyed getting back into cooking and learning how to cook for one. Well, technically just still cooking for 4 but learning the proper techniques to freezing the leftovers and remembering that I have a freezer full of brightly colored and labeled leftovers at my disposal when the fridge is starting to look bare.

Not only is this helping me with my weight loss goals, but it's also saving me SO much money. When I start to run out of food, it doesn't mean an emergency trip to the grocery store, because I have about 25 meals in my freezer at any given time. All I need to do is pop them in the fridge to thaw and by dinner time, a quick heat up and I'm set. The only thing I need to purchase regularly is a ton of fruit, mixed greens and my favorite yogurts and cottage cheese!

My ideal lifestyle mixes being a homebody with being a social creature in moderation. Learning the techniques to let indulgences feel like indulgences and not the every day routine. Burgers are not for Monday through Friday, they are for Friday, and Friday only, and maybe only every 3rd Friday if at all.

I definitely think eating out is important. I get all sorts of ideas for my cooking through eating at different restaurants. I truly enjoy and savor food when I am out, versus my tendency to scarf it down in front of the Housewives when I'm at home. I also love eating out for the opportunities it provides Date Night with my manpanion, whom I don't live with. We do all sorts of active things, but the 2 of us LOVE to eat, and there's no sense denying that.

How do you balance life and weight loss? Where are your areas that you simply won't compromise because you know it's important to learn this as a long-term lifestyle over a quick fix? Do you still eat dessert every night, enjoy a soda a few times a week or grant yourself permission to drink a glass of wine in the bath?

Goal Setting

2011-01-11T07:22:00.002-06:00

I have been working on updating my blog to fill it with more current information.

I want to do something with my recipes page, but I'm stalling because it feels like a big project and I have plenty of other things to focus on right now.

...like goal setting!

I need to finish setting my weight loss and fitness goals for the year!

So far I have a few that you can find here. You'll notice there are a few slots for "TBD" (To Be Determined) because I haven't figured them out yet.

Can you help?

Full Steam.

2011-01-10T06:20:00.002-06:00

I recovered very well from that small binge day.

Just writing it out and reflecting on it really helped me put it into perspective of how far I have come over the past 4 years.

In "the old days" that binge would have included an entire box of cereal, ice cream, chocolate cake, and anything else I could get my hands on because, you know, I'd "already ruined everything."

You haven't ruined anything. This is a life-long journey. I try to remember that daily. Every single day is an opportunity to learn a new habit, or overcome an old one in some way. I feel like I handled that over-eating day pretty well.

Since then I have been completely on target with my daily PlusPoints allotment, or have used my Activity Points. I'm still very excited that we are able to change our preferences to allow for Activity Points to be used prior to the Weekly Points Allowance. I like to feel that I have to "earn" my extra treats.

When I was losing the most weight, the bulk of my weight, the Weight Watchers Program would draw first from Activity Points AND you were only allowed to use those activity points on the day they were earned.

That WORKED for me.

Now, with the new Weight Watchers Program I can make my Points Tracker act that way again!

I've also been back to the gym having *real* workouts like I used to. Weight lifting, running, stepmilling, sweating.

I am BACK. That means soon, there will be actual blog posts about actual topics that aren't 100% about me.

oh oh overboard.

2011-01-06T07:24:00.002-06:00

Well, first bump in the road.

Yesterday I was feeling awfully snacky. I was also stressed. Hmmm... I wonder if they were related? (They definitely were.)

I started the day off with a relatively high PointsPlus breakfast. A bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal which claims to have as much protein as an egg. It does, but it's not the same kind of protein. It's a bowl of carbs, essentially, and it tastes like it, which is why I wanted it.

So, that bowl of cereal, with the almond milk, plus my coffee, with the almond milk, came to 7 points. Not bad, but it wasn't a whole lot of food for 7 points. I packed up two clementines and a 1oz bag of almonds for a snack during my work morning.

I'm at work. Things are kind of falling apart. It's busy. I'm annoyed. Something else is annoying me. I'm stressed AND annoyed because I have my yearly physical mid-afternoon and I'm considering going back on birth control. I'm researching the costs of my chosen, or favored, birth control option, the NuvaRing. I'm calling pharmacies and asking their price per ring without insurance.

Enter co-worker with a chocolate covered pretzel. Offering it to me. I take it, wrap it in a napkin and stuff it in my desk. Not falling for it.

Now, I have insurance, but that stupid high deductible insurance where you're essentially working without insurance until you've paid out the amount of your incredibly high deductible. So, I need to spend $1450 medical dollars before they cover stuff, BUT then they cover everything. The smart me would have gone ahead and done all of this a month ago, when I had already hit my deductible and I could have stockpiled everything for the new year. However, after calling 9 pharmacies and finding out that the cheapest price per ring was $69.91... and I'd need to spend that every month, I started reading more about IUDs.

That's a big decision. I eat the chocolate covered pretzel, blatantly ignoring the clementines and almonds I brought.

I've always been a little bit scared of them (IUDs), mostly because I don't understand how they work and of course we're terrified of things that don't make sense. The more I read, the more I was intrigued. The more I talked to other women who have them, the more I wanted one.

I went home and made myself some lunch. Surely having a meal in me would calm me down. Turkey sandwich on whole grain bread with a little horseradish mustard, spinach and tomatoes. Yum. I scarfed that thing.

But... I'm still hungry (snacky) so I made a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese with fresh cracked black pepper and read a little more about IUDs.

So I brought it up at my appointment. Apparently, my nurse practitioner whom I love and adore had some opinions about women without children getting IUDs. Mostly from a medical standpoint, and not a judging one. That there is a higher rate of displacement because of the shape of our uterus, etc. Either way. I'm getting one. Also, my ladybits look spectacular, as per usual.

Then I had to call around and find out the price of the procedure. $168! NOT BAD! Awesome. I can afford that.

Oh.. but the IUD? That costs $780.

So... $1000.

But, given the comparison of using a ring monthly at $70... and the fact that Mirena IUD lasts 5 years, or ParaGuard lasts 12... I will save $3200 or $9980 respectively over the course of those years. So... worth it. PLUS, I will be very close to my deductible very close to the beginning of the year, which means I will be able to see my therapist pretty much free of charge for the whole year. I like this ending.

ANYWAY.

I made some lemonade because I needed to pretend it was summer for about 2 hours. Summer makes me happy and I'm on deadline at work for a bunch of stuff. I have about 39840384093 reports due in the next week and Paul, my manpanion and IT guy is going to do a bunch of weird stuff to my computer on Monday which means it will be out of commission for approximately 8 hours, which means I can't work. Which also means if he screws up, not only will he NOT be being paid in kisses, but I will probably cry and kill myself. In which case, Jessica can have my totally clean MacBook Pro.

I make some popcorn.

Clearly I'm snacky. Clearly I want to keep shoving things in my mouth. So at this point I need to go for low points with volume. Popcorn is a good choice.

Not enough.

I just kept snacking. I tried to make better decisions. I had the popcorn when I really wanted potato chips (which I don't keep in the house and actually can't even remember the last time I had them). I made the lemonade when I really wanted a soda (even though I don't keep that in the house either).

I realized at about 5:30pm, my 11th hour of going going going for work and doctory stuff, that I just needed more protein. I had a hard boiled egg. Good, but gone in pretty much two bites.

I take a small trip over to Paul's to pick up a loner mouse. It will speed things up with my reporting as there are a billion stupid tiny boxes to click and the trackpad on my computer was really slowing me down.

I get there, I pick it up. He offers me turkey soup. I say no. I leave.

I literally have no points left at this point. I am exactly at 0.

I get home, continue working (with the mouse I get about 2x more done in an hour and a half). I suppose I should make some dinner.

I made AMAZING soup the night before for some girlfriends. I reheat it. I add some pork roast (that I also made the night before but not for the soup). Perfect. Satisfying. In the red now by 7 points, all of which I have in my weekly flex points.

I work a little more. Now into my 15th hour (really 14 if we subtract the stupid physical) and I want dessert. I don't have dessert. I have some peanut butter bumpers cereal. It's sweet. It's perfect. It's 5 more points. -11.

All in all, not that bad for a bingey day.

Today I have the clementines and almonds in my arsenal. I realize what happened yesterday and I can change it. I know that I have pears and grapefruit in my fridge, and if I go on a binge, I have to eat those first. And then I need to go outside for a minute and reevaluate if I'm actually hungry or not. And then, if clear-headed me decides I am, I will eat something.

So. Comment on something. Snacks. IUDs. What's on your mind?

Overhaul.

2011-01-04T07:43:00.002-06:00

One of the things I'm trying to consider in this next step on the journey (you know, the step where I try to re-lose weight I've already lost), is what my idea of a "meal" is.

I grew up in a relatively traditional non-traditional home. My parents divorced when I was very young and my brother and I had to fend for ourselves in terms of what to eat for what meal. Not that my parents weren't providing food; they certainly were. More than enough of it. My mom would even make dinner in the very few hours she had to sleep between 18 hour shifts so that we'd just be able to pop it in the microwave.

Far too often we chose to eat whole boxes of cereal out of salad bowls.

Even more often we'd forgo any "real" food in favor of chocolate cake.

But when we did sit down to eat as a family, it was a protein, a vegetable and 1-2 starches. Always. That is my idea of a meal.

I always feel that I have to construct things that way, if I'm going to "sit down and eat." However, I'm also accustomed to just grabbing whatever is convenient and tasty and what I want right now. Needless to say, it's difficult for me, now as a single person (or at least solo apartment dweller) to figure it out.

I've been trying to overhaul my idea of a meal. Lunch doesn't have to be a sandwich and a salad, or leftovers, or a Lean Cuisine. It could be a small bowl of cottage cheese and an orange. In my head that sounds like a snack, but in reality, it could be lunch.

I'm babbling, but I know other people feel this way too.

Yesterday, I had a small clementine and some almonds for breakfast where I'd normally eat a bowl of oatmeal or some cereal. It was a welcome change because I'm not so much a fan of breakfast in general. I'm not hungry in the morning and I don't want food to stick to my ribs. I chose to eat "snack food" as a "meal" and it felt great.

Last night for dinner I also wasn't' much in the mood for a "meal" and I had a small bowl of quinoa salad and an apple.

I realize, of course, that there are many "diets" where you're encouraged to just eat 5 small meals a day. Meals like these "meals," but this is all new to me.

Do you ever run into this?

Weight Watchers FTW!

2011-01-03T15:57:00.002-06:00

I feel incredibly giddy and validated today.

After tracking my lunch (turkey and white bean dip sandwich + 2 deviled egg halves) I was doing a bit of sleuthing in the new Plan Manager.

All I was really trying to do was to change my Weigh-In Day from Sunday to Friday, but I discovered a plethora of other changes I could make!

Such as:

Changing my preference to draw from my Activity Points before my Weekly Flex Points
Changing whether or not I want to use Activity Points from a weekly bank or only on the day that I earn them
My WI day, of course

I am so very excited to be able to draw from my Activity Points before my Weekly Extras again. This was a large problem I had with the last major plan change before this one in the new year. Being able to switch to a method that REALLY helped me lose weight is a giant motivator for me. I have been attempting to "get things back" to the way they were when I was consistently dropping pounds. I mean, I LOST 60 POUNDS! That's pretty huge. I want to get back to that "losing" mentality.

I hope that simply knowing some of these options exist will help you too. Just click "settings" in your plan manager.

WOOHOOOO.

2010-12-14T06:03:00.002-06:00

If you live in Minnesota, you know that the Twin Cities took a serious beating on Saturday.

20 inches of snow in 17 hours. I shoveled all of it. Not for the whole city, clearly, but my whole house/sidewalk/porch/parking combo. It was awful. It was strenuous. I also walked 2.5 miles in thigh high snow.

I weigh in on Sundays.

I LOST 2.2 POUNDS THIS WEEK!

Very excited to have seen results. I am motivated to keep going.

More later when there's more time.

and so it goes.

2010-12-08T07:31:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was our annual holiday office party. It's not like a "fancy" office party where people dress up and have cocktails and dance and get drunk and accidentally make out with each other. It's a celebration in the middle of the work day, where there is super fatty tired-inducing food and some games.

This year, I opted out.

I spoke to my boss, who knows my situation with food. She was just a colleague 3 years ago when I was losing all my weight. She was very impressed and inspired and asked me to help her at the gym. I did. We worked out together, we talked about food, we traded cookbooks. I knew she'd understand, and she did. I got a get out of jail free card.

I went home and prepared myself a healthy lunch. I went to the gym. I ran some errands. It was definitely a better choice.

I did, later, on a whim, head out to a little cafe to play a couple games of cribbage with a twitter friend. I had 2 beers when I meant to have one. I'm not beating myself up about it because had I chosen to go to the Holiday party, I would have had 0934438395845 more PlusPoints than I ended up having with those 2 beers, which I earned because I had the points for them.

I'm starting to come around again to the fact that this is a barter and trade system with myself. If I want a beer, I have to work out longer. If I want to be lazy, I have to eat less. It's a simple concept, but it's so easy to feel that it's "unfair" or that no one else has to live life this way. Which is somewhat true, because a lot of other people don't want to eat until they can't move. That's not a "normal" thing for them. So, because I have food issues, I have to keep myself in check.

When deciding whether or not to skip the party, I did solicit some advice from other dieters on some good solutions. Here's what they said:

Fill your plate with vegetables and carry it around.
Always keep a glass of water in your hand so you have one less hand to shovel food into your mouth.
Use this time to visit with those people in other departments you rarely get to see. If you're talking, you're not chewing.

Trackstar.

2010-12-06T17:34:00.002-06:00

I have been tracking for nearly a week on the new program. I do not understand the PointsPlus values at all, which is probably a really good thing. It forces me to use all the tools at my disposal and stay on top of what I am eating and portion size. I have been measuring and entering Nutrition Information into my plan manager to make sure I'm totally aware.

Tonight, the first night of my home-all-week week, I'm prepping food to make it easier to grab. This means breakfast and lunch stuff as well as snacks. I'm chopping vegetables, portioning out protein, putting fruit in a huge bowl right at the front of the fridge, etc.

I'm feeling pretty good about my involvement. I've been going over on points daily, but I AM tracking. I'm finding it difficult to navigate the higher point values of some of my "healthy" standbys. They're clearly still healthy, but too many of them won't help me lose weight (apparently).

How are you doing with the new PointsPlus program if you are a Weight Watcher?

HELLO DECEMEBER.

2010-12-01T18:37:00.003-06:00

So, it's December now.

I just need to pause for a second and say that this year has gone INSANELY fast. Ridiculously fast. I feel left in the dust, but it's good dust.

On to the goals.

December Goals

Make it to the gym 12 times

This is not to say I will only go 12 times, however, I have been on "workout hiatus" for approximately six months. 12 times is already nearly every other day of the month, and my schedule is quite hectic near the holidays. I hope to work out more than 12 times, but visiting the gym can be a barrier to that at times; so... 12 visits.

Track Weight Watchers PlusPoints Daily

Track EVERYTHING I eat in my plan tracker on a daily basis. Regardless of how much I ate and what. If I go over, I want to know. No more denial. This is how I will pinpoint weaknesses and new habits I've picked up that are causing the creeping weight gain. It also helps me to be aware and accountable of what I'm putting in my mouth.

PLAY BROOMBALL

I joined a broomball team. This goal is more encompassing than that, however. Play broomball is a blanket statement for MOVE MORE. Have fun moving. Ice skate. Sled and run up the hill. Bike through the snow. Build a snowman and tackle him. Snowboard. It's winter in Minnesota and there are a million things to do.

Pay Attention

Pay attention to all of it. Be aware. Be attentive. Be forgiving. Be grateful. Be honest. Be present. Be me.

New Plan, New Goals, New Me.

2010-11-29T18:14:00.003-06:00

Today, Weight Watchers rolled out PointsPlus, an entirely new plan.

I am elated that this is coinciding with my decision to fully dedicate December to my "diet," both in the sense that I'd like to lose weight, but also to give more attention to what I'm eating, when I'm eating it, how much of it I'm eating and also how fast.

It's time to tackle some of the root issues that are causing me to gain weight, my lack of willpower being one of them, and some of the life-long habits that stand in my way of making REAL change (such as eating way too fast and hence too much).

Now that my "new" life has settled down some: I've been in my new apartment for nearly a year, I've settled into a very exciting and mutually supportive relationship with a fella, and I finally have given myself enough credit to admit and believe that I have the power to change.

I rejoined the YWCA, so I have my activity cut out for me. A big part of me believes that simply reintroducing exercise will help me shed pounds, and I intend to, but I know that the eating is where the focus needs to be this time. Maintenance will be a combination of exercise and eating, but the eating habits will carry me through old age, injuries, and any other scenario that might come my way.

I am giving my monthly goals some serious thought tonight and I'll be back tomorrow to update them, along with NEW "before" pictures. I've accepted myself where I am, and intend to move forward from here with respect to where I have been, but not dwell on where I was.

Have you already set your goals for December? Care to share?

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T10:40:00.002-06:00

I'm so totally thankful today. For so much. But relevant to this blog, I stumbled upon this quote this morning, and I'm thankful for that too.

"I spent so many years and wasted so much energy agonizing over my “shameful” parts - my fat parts, my hairy parts, my pimply parts, my asymmetrical parts - that I had no resources left over to become a strong, happy, well-adjusted adult woman. When I finally began to embrace and praise all of my body parts, I suddenly had the time and energy to be passionate about other things; I began to blossom into the self-aware, confident human that American culture tries so desperately to prevent us from being."

Be thankful for you. That you have a body that moves, that works, that gives you life. That allows you to be present and hug your loved ones, regardless of it's size.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

The first step!

2010-11-12T14:10:00.002-06:00

In this current journey, the one in which I gain 20+ pounds after starting my life over, I've been truly avoiding the first step. "This" journey started 5 months ago, promptly after I decided the gym wasn't a top priority and eating out and drinking were. Dating was.

It was fun!

Now that I find myself with more of a steady connection, kind of a boyfriend, a manpanion, whom I've been seeing for the last 6 of those months and now am seeing exclusively, I've gotten a little too comfortable ordering the burger off the menu. And a beer. Maybe two. Sometimes three. I'll sneak some fries from his plate when I choose to order a salad. I'll just eat.

We all have to eat, right?

That's not the important part of "this" journey. It's the lack of exercise. The lack of fitness. The lack of gym. The lack of biking to the store that's only a mile away instead of driving.

This morning, I took THE FIRST STEP in reclaiming my former athletic self.

I went to the gym!

My new/old gym.

I worked out.

For an hour.

Hard.

Really hard.

I lifted weights.

A lot of them.

I sweat.

A lot.

I feel amazing.

Here's to new/old habits.

Hard times.

2010-10-28T07:17:00.002-05:00

We all hear about "sympathy weight." Husbands or partners or what have you gaining weight along side their pregnant counterparts.

Well, sympathy weight is very real and VERY real in situations unrelated to pregnancy.

I'm not pregnant, nor is my best friend, but the sympathy weight is attacking us.

My small 2 bedroom apartment, where I live alone, has been dubbed "Breakup Central" this year. I moved in in January, a newly single woman starting life over for the first time in a billion years. It is the first time I've had my own place. Just me. Only me. No boyfriends, no roommates, an awesome bedroom and an office with a futon. Four months later, friend #1 broke up with her LTR boyfriend. She moved in with me. I had become so accustomed to my new solo living life that I had to set the boundary that she leave... soon.

Fast forward 10 months and friend #2 breaks up with her LTR boyfriend. Friend #2, my best friend. She is living here now, sleeping on my futon, laying on my couch while I sit in my chair, while we watch TV drinking beer and eating pizza to cope. Not that friend #1 was not important, but friend #2 is the kind of friendship where you'd get out of bed at 2:00am on the coldest day of the year and drive to be by her side if you needed her. So she's here. And we're eating.

I am not being a good friend in this way. Offering up the pizza and the hoagies and the cake. In retrospect, this has only happened twice. I have cooked, I have provided healthy snacks and breakfasts, but sometimes... you have to splurge in the name of lost love.

And so this week, the first week, has been a bad one. We've had a pizza party. We've had beer (a lot of it) and we've had cake. We've even had cupcakes. But we have biked, and we have stayed up talking and we have slept... a lot.

I'm brainstorming now healthier ways to be supportive so we don't fall further into the sympathy weight trap.

What would you do for a best friend in need?

vetoed topics.

2010-10-25T10:20:00.003-05:00

I carry a little cross to bare with my family. A veto-ed topic that I often want to bring up because it is a giant piece of the puzzle that is my journey.

I've made an executive decision to talk about it, mostly because it has to do with me. I'm often of the mindset that other people's stories are not mine to tell, but this one is. So I will.

So.

Little known fact: All of the women in my family have had gastric bypass.

My mother, my sister, two cousins, an aunt. We are prone to obesity. It's in our genes.

The reason why this is so important to me is because I feel victorious that I have escaped medical interjection's grip. I did it myself.

It was hard.

And even though I'm regaining weight, I'm in control. I have the tools. Some of the women in my family who took the medical route have not been so lucky.

I have a gripe with gastric bypass. Simply because of the examples I know, and others of which I've read. Medical professionals TRY to give you the tools, but there's simply not enough follow through. There aren't enough follow-ups, nutritional advice, or instruction.

My own mother has completely gained back all of the weight and then some.

We aren't equipped. These habits run deep, like spores that have dug into your bloodline and taken over.

I take pride in the fact that I did it alone. Of course, I wasn't alone. Of course I had support. I had you, and you, and you. My readers, silent or commenting. I know you're there. You followed my struggles and celebrations and confusion. You related. We did it together.

It's important to remember what you're doing for yourself, but also to think about how many people you're inspiring along the way. One more person who can see "It's possible" when it feels everything but.

You can do this.

I know because I did.

Opportunities.

2010-10-24T16:57:00.002-05:00

So, Jen over at priorfatgirl.com was holding digital auditions for a new member of the priorfatgirl family. Something sparked in me and I applied. I made it through to the second round.

I bet a lot of you applied to, and I wish you the best of luck.

The deadline for a blog post to show up on priorfatgirl.com was today, at 5pm. That's right now.

I literally had 20 minutes to write it.

I'm slightly disappointed with what I cranked out. I had to fit my whole weight loss journey into less than 800 words. I had to be convincing, because it will be voted on.

I wasn't funny.

I like to think I'm normally at least slightly humorous on this here blog. I try to entertain you. Share my humiliations. My triumphs. My struggles.

I told my story. I made promises. I was no nonsense, as per usual.

Something about this feels important. Like becoming a "formal" priorfatgirl makes it real. I am one. I lost the weight. I've gained some of it back, but I'm in control. I've always been the one in control. I think that's the biggest idea we bargain with. It's always someone or something else's fault. It's not, kids. It's us.

You have to believe in you.

You have to know that YOU are capable. (You are. Trust me.)

I'm capable. I'm going to do this. priorfatgirl or not.

What used to be.

2010-10-18T13:12:00.002-05:00

Last year, around this time, I was running competitive 5ks. I identified as an athlete. I trained. I lifted weights. I was evening branching out and going to Bikram Yoga.

This year, I find myself making up every excuse in the book. I quit my gym 2 months ago because the cost had exceeded what I was getting from the membership; which is nothing, when you don't go.

I had good intentions to re-join the YWCA. I even stopped in this weekend, but my wallet was stolen (a sob story for another time) and my debit card hasn't shipped yet and I apparently need that information.

As SOON as I get that card, I'm going in to get another card. The membership one. You know, to the Y.

I'm conflicted now, as I still - in my mind - identify as an athlete even though I do nothing of the sort. I don't even really enjoy walking as exercise and I don't seek out opportunities to take my bikes on long rides. This needs to change.

I see the difference not only in my body, but my mindset, as I've fallen off the exercise track. I need to remember that each day is a choice. A choice to work out, or not to. Each has it's own set of consequences. Sure, if I work out I might miss sitting on my ass in front of the TV for an hour, but I also have the added bonus of getting to eat more! And losing weight! And firming up! And having less things to complain about!

It's a choice.

Fear is not an option.

2010-10-17T10:11:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to pull this off lately.

I have become so accustomed to instant gratification, giving in for the sake of a brief moment of joy, even with the consequences.

I'm up another 2 pounds since I last weighed myself. I feel hopeless when I look in the mirror again. Not because I look terrible, or because I'm "disgusting" or any of those things we tell ourselves, but simply because I know what I am capable of and that I'm not doing it.

That just a year ago, I was 20 pounds less than I am now, in great shape and loving every minute of it.

I want to be back there.

I'm tracking this morning. I made myself eggs and cottage cheese even though I wanted to go out to brunch. I'd like to lay in bed all day but instead I'm taking the dog to the Minnehaha Dog Park and plan to walk and hike and climb with him for 2 hours.

My lunch and dinner plans are made. My day is planned out around points again, the way I need it to be. I'm tracking. I'm consciously thinking about what I need to do.

I WILL get back there. It's a decision, every day.

Oh.

2010-10-07T09:26:00.001-05:00

ok ok ok.

2010-09-23T07:28:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm playing games again. Already.

At the very least, I am owning up to them, and coming back here and continuing to sign into WeightWatchers.com even though this morning I didn't want to.

I made a meal plan yesterday afternoon. I stuck to it through lunch, but fell off plan when a friend tempted me into Happy Hour with a gift certificate. Free? Can't pass up free, right?

That's not true. You can totally pass up free. I used to pass up free, but it's a little harder now with less motivation.

So, I drank some sake. And I ate some beef jerky. Oops.

Then I had some wine, which I planned for.

And then I was convinced I wanted tacos (which was true, I wanted them) and had a margarita and some tacos. I was offered a second margarita (TWO FOR ONES) and had 2 sips and asked her to take it away. I also ate about an entire basket of chips.

Wahhhhhhhh.

So, I don't even know how to track how many chips I had, so I've just decided I have no flex points left, which definitely doesn't work for this weekend at all. I have a board meeting tonight, and there are always cupcakes there. I will turn them down. This is promise - to myself, and now to you.

Tomorrow night I am going to a fashion show where there will be free wine. Need to think of a good plan for this.

Saturday is a good friend's birthday. I need a plan for this.

Sunday is the beginning of a new week. I just need to make it through these hurdles and start all over.

The easy thing to do would be get in some activity points. That's what I always did, but the fact of the matter is that this week, I simply do not have time. I'm not overexagerating either. I have been working nonstop and then running around doing all the other things I have to do and inbetween I have been fitting in very small bouts of date time with my manpanion. That date time is generally spent biking, so that's a little something, but it's my mode of transportation and doesn't really count as exercise.

Next on my to-do list (next week) is to re-join the YWCA. I need to be back in a gym, but I want to start on a week that I can actually go. That is not this week.

Do you ever feel overwhelmed trying to plan for life?

Suggestions for how to stay on plan through a friend's birthday party? Eeeeek.

chalking it up.

2010-09-22T07:51:00.002-05:00

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day for my food plan. Know why? Because I didn't have one.

The first half of the day went well, regardless. I ate breakfast (oats + 1tbsp Peanut Butter) and had a small banana for a snack. I was having a TERRIBLE day and because I'm prone to emotional eating, I was very much on guard.

A friend of mine, trying to be a sweetheart (and succeeding) brought me some tart treats from Whole Foods, delivering them to my workplace. They looked decadent, but because I recognized I was in a terrible mood, I made sure to give 2 of the 3 treats away. I did savor one, and I took the time to savor every second of it.

I didn't get a chance to sit down and eat lunch until about 2pm, which for someone who gets to work at 6:30am is really really really late. I am generally home for lunch, which makes eating healthy an easier option. I had baked up some spaghetti squash on Sunday, so I tossed some of that in a pan with homemade sauce and a handful of spinach. You really can't get a heartier low point lunch than that. It came out to 1.5 points, and it was a sizable bowl of hot deliciousness. I feel like that more than made up for the tart that I savored earlier.

Things started to fail as I felt more and more stressed in the late afternoon. I'd been working all day, running all over the city, ate a late and relatively hurried lunch which made me hungry for dinner a little early. I re-heated a small portion of pork roast and some yams and gobbled it up in a matter of minutes. Because I didn't leave time to FEEL full, I didn't feel full. I ate an ice cream cone. And then I ate a popsicle. I tracked both of these and still had points left for the day.

I headed out to meet up with Paul, my manpanion, at his house just because. He got a new rear wheel for his bike, which was a fixed gear and now it's a 3-speed internal hubbed cycle of awesomeness. I sat around on the porch preparing for a workshop and drinking half of a Crispin Cider. [I'm out of points now]

Did I mention I stopped on the way there and bought 1/2 a dozen cupcakes?

Did I mention I only tasted one of them, and when I say taste I literally mean taste?

Win.

I attended my workshop, which I forgot went until 9pm instead of 8pm. I sat there, somewhat bored and definitely tired which I mistook for hungry because every unidentifiable feeling in my life equals hunger, apparently. Luckily, I had a Kashi granola bar in my purse. I ate it. [-3.5 points at this point. I count .5 points for the lick of the cupcake] Then I had a glass of wine [-5.5 points]

When I realized I really should get to a birthday party for a friend I hadn't seen in about 4 months... I dedicated myself to attending for at least 45 minutes. My best friend decided to go too, sweetening the deal. I hadn't seen her in at least 3 weeks, which is too too long. I had 2 beers [-11.5 points] but a lot of fun.

When I got home, I felt "hungry" again. I made a fried egg [-13.5 points] and dished up a little bit of my favorite brussel sprout/bacon hash [-16.5 points].

I fell asleep almost instantly.

So, not a great eating day, but I had all of my flex points available. HAD being a key word. Now I only have 18.5 of them and I'm going to need those because I am too busy/tired to actually get any activity in.

I didn't wise up and make a meal plan for today, mostly because I was asleep. I'm thinking about cranking that out as soon as I hit "publish" on this post.

Do you make meal plans?

cook cook cookies.

2010-09-20T09:35:00.002-05:00

I spent my entire day cooking after I headed out to the Farmer's Market yesterday.

I roasted: beets, leeks, sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, onions.

I prepared a 5lb pork roast and roasted that up with potatoes, yams, carrots and onions.

I also turned those roasted brussel sprouts into my favorite breakfast/brinner hash with turkey bacon and potatoes.

I had two girlfriends over for some social time while I did the dishes and we had some wine and played in my closet.

I ended the day with 12 points remaining because when you're handling food all day you don't get too hungry.

I ate yogurt with granola for dinner because granola is one of my favorite foods but it's usually not worth the points involved. It felt like dessert for dinner and it was indulgent.

I also went on a mini walk yesterday, which in the gorgeous weather felt like a treat.

It was a great start to my Weight Watchers week. I have a fridge full of awesome WW-friendly food and I am prepared!

How do you ready yourself for the week ahead?

morning plans.

2010-09-19T08:42:00.002-05:00

It's late September here in Minnesota, which means the chill hits you when you flip back the covers in the morning. I've had a particularly long week full of overtime at work, annoying conversations and saying "no" to a lot of enticing offers to go out in order to stick to my budget and my meal plan.

I'm sitting in bed, wearing my Snuggie as a robe and the covers pulled up to my lap while I wait to hear the kettle whistle letting me know that my oats will be ready in mere moments... because it's late September here in Minnesota... which means I'm going through my annual "GIMME CARBS" phase of eating.

But oatmeal is a smart choice.

I stayed in last night because I was working until 10:30pm on a few projects that need to be finished by the end of the month, which also explains the overtime at work, and will explain it moving forward when I keep talking about how I was working until 10pm or 11pm or until I should be getting up the next day but never slept because I was working all night. I'm burned out on it, but I need the paycheck. I've been quietly and patiently looking for a new position that will feed my interests a bit more; I've been at this job for 6 years and while I still love the idea of it, I'm no longer challenged, or really even all that enthused by it any longer.

Mornings are my favorite time of day, especially now when it's just a little bit colder and it makes staying under the covers feel like the ultimate indulgence. It somehow feels a little easier to enjoy the simple things, which makes the tiniest thing feel like a reward.

It's Sunday, which means it's the beginning of my Weight Watchers week now. When I moved to online only I decided Sunday would be a great weigh in day for me. It forces me to continue healthy habits on Friday and Saturday and not play that "I still have 4-5 days to make up for it" game. I'd rather just stay on track as often as possible, create the habits that need to be created.

But it's Sunday, so I just weighed myself. It's the first time I've weighed myself in months. This morning I was finally feeling ready.

I officially report that I'm at 164.0lbs. That's quite the gain from my lowest weight, but I'm accepting myself where I am, because there is no point in thinking any other way. This is what I weigh. No matter how much I fret or curse it, it's still a fact, so there's no point to do that. I weigh one-hundred-sixty-four pounds.

I have 25lbs to lose now. I'm breaking that down to 5lb goals so that it seems less impossible. I'm also well aware it's not impossible, because this is weight I've already lost, I just regained it and need to lose it again, so there.

This morning I am treating myself to a trip to the St. Paul Farmer's Market. This is the best time of year to go to the market for produce. The crop is more varied and a lot of the root vegetables are ready to go. Perfect for roasting and crockpots and hearty meals. I love the St. Paul Farmer's Market the most because they require all vendors be from within 100 miles. The Minneapolis Farmers Market allows re-sellers and I can sometimes be confused by who's who and where are they from and is this produce really local? That's an easy question to answer when you see bananas and pineapple at someone's stand. We don't really grow those things here in the midwest. I prefer STP because it takes ALL of the guess work out of it. I can easily spend my money the way I intended and not have to search.

Do you have a farmer's market in your town?

hello again.

2010-09-18T12:09:00.002-05:00

Hello again my friends.

I'm making a firm attempt to return to blogging. I needed to get my footing first.

I have been on a going-out strike for about 2 weeks at this point, trying to regain momentum with my motivation toward cooking for myself and focusing on making healthy choices. This has been going well so far, but mostly because I have taken a new direction for a main goal, which has been my budget.

It's easy to focus on how expensive healthy food is when you're swiping your card at the grocery store, but all in all we know that cooking for ourselves at home is incredibly economical.

If you're a budget conscious person, I highly recommend mint.com as a tool. It's ridiculously user-friendly and quite eye opening. Also, pie charts.

Mint.com let me know that in August I spent more than $600 out at bars and restaurants. This doesn't work at all because it's about 1/4 of what I make in a month. Possibly more depending on the month now that my organization has cracked down on who is exempt and who is not with the entrance of our new HR director (and an HR department in general). I am no longer salaried and the balance of 30 hour weeks to 70 hour weeks has been shifted with the seasons. This will end up working in my favor more often than not because I tend to get extremely busy in the cooler months with the holidays, so I expect that quite a bit of overtime will be coming my way. This week alone I worked 16 hours of overtime. YE$.

I fully realize that the absence of exercise has contributed the most to my weight gain. I used to be a gym rat. It used to be my favorite way to spend time. Now I rarely even want to ride my bicycle. I quit my fancy gym that I was never using, and have decided to re-join the YWCA. That means ZUMBA! That means 8 blocks from my house! That means a WAY cheaper membership! Efficiency.

You can expect to see me posting here regularly again, as it is a pledge I have made to my best friend who has realized that blogging really helped her in her journey and we are both working on losing weight we have re-gained. I am hoping that my commitment to re-committing will help her along also as we have always stuck together.

Control.

2010-08-05T08:17:00.002-05:00

It's been a little less than 8 months since my big life-changing move. In those 8 months I've drastically sucked at working out, restarted some horrible eating habits and managed to gain 20 pounds.

It's frustrating, to say the least, but I have grown (less in the literal sense) vastly during this time.

We go through waves where putting ourselves first means being the healthiest we can be, and putting ourselves first as means of sedating. I've been sedating, and celebrating, and reworking and growing.

I managed to grocery shop and have prepared many of my own meals in the last week. I haven't been focusing on THE healthiest choices, but I have been practicing portion control - something I've really let get away over the last year. Not only does this rule for practicing habits, but it rules because the food I bought will last longer - which is a good thing because I'm poor.

I feel like I may be ready to begin tracking my food intake again. This is something I will go balls-out on for 2-3 days and then quit the second I "mess" something up. When I get back in to it, I want to be dedicated, and I know this is not the right time to start. Portion control will continue to be the focus for the next week.

With a cluttered social calendar, it can be difficult to plan ahead, but I'm managing. This is why the PC is so important. I've been eating out for dinner most nights, but always asking for a box at the beginning of the meal. I find that when my food is out of sight, it is also mostly out of mind. Plus, leftovers.

Boys have been stealing my sleep, so I also need to learn to knock that off too. Not boys, but staying up late, specifically with boys. So maybe boys.

Trouble Trouble Trouble.

2010-08-03T07:30:00.002-05:00

It seems some of my dear readers did, in fact, hold out to see if I'd come back. I suppose it's predictable, this journey is never over and I talk way too much for someone who would just "quit" a blog.

I'm glad you're still here.

I haven't made any great strides or progress. I did start to get concerned with the fact that I had also "quit" running, and made my triumphant return on Saturday morning. By triumphant I mean lame. By lame I mean slower than I should be. By slow I also mean short. By trouble in the title I mean I have a 10 mile race at the end of September and I can currently complete 4 miles in a somewhat-decent time.

I have a lot of work to do.

On the food front, I cancelled a date last night and had a girlfriend over for dinner instead. We made roasted chicken, balsamic beets, broiled polenta and a HUGE salad with almonds and crisp peppers. It was oh-so-delicious and REAL. All real food. It pleased me to see a plate full of things that were not of convenience, but simply tasteful.

I won't mention that we also downed 2 bottles of wine, because that would defeat my point about being so good with the food.

It felt great to eat and catch up on all the goings-on. There are a lot of goings-on by the way, but we'll get in to those as they accidentally spill out over the course of our time together on this here blog.

In the meantime, I'd really like to hear about great Summer Salad recipes. Anything you've got. Let's hear 'em.

The old College Try.

2010-07-27T07:16:00.002-05:00

Remember me?

Guess what? I'm up 20lbs from my lowest weight. Well, almost 20lbs. That means I've been doing something wrong. Well, sort of wrong, amidst my many many many rights. It's a sacrifice I was willing to make for a while to train myself to just do what I wanted FOR myself, and no one else. That meant eating a lot of things I shouldn't.

Now that I feel I'm putting myself first again, I am ready to commit to shedding these pounds again.

Are you still with me?

2010-04-28T06:05:00.003-05:00

Well... I don't have much to say for myself.

I think I'm going to retire this here blog.

I'm just not motivated to write primarily about weight loss and fitness.

I've started a new blog, it's protected. If you'd like to go through the hassle of having a wordpress account, I can add you as a reading member, otherwise... goodbye my friends.

Stay in touch.

Follow Through.

2010-04-13T05:29:00.002-05:00

Follow through. I have very little of it right now. I keep promising myself things and not doing them. I have made social outings my main priority. I've been having a lot of fun; so much so that it feels worth the fact that my jeans are cutting across my stomach right now.

It's April 13th and I can't believe I haven't been talking more about the #30daysofbiking effort I'm a part of. You can follow it here: http://30daysofbiking.com

I had a great workout last night. I met "other Nicole" for Circuit Training class at the gym. After biking more than 60 miles this weekend, my legs were ready to explode, but I powered through. I feel accomplished.

The one thing I am struggling with right now is food choices. It feels great to be able to say, and literally mean, that is the only thing I'm struggling with right now. 95% of my life is complete and total awesomeness currently. That 5% represents my current weight gain and struggles to climb back out of a food rut. I've been eating out a lot and making poor choices while doing so.

Hopefully, the fact that I dragged my ass back to the gym after feeling defeated for being absent for so long will be a big driving factor for recovery. I picked up some good breakfast and lunch options at the co-op last night. I have been trying to eat mostly frozen meals for dinners at home so that I can keep portion control in check and not have to work too hard to make a decision or actually make the dinner.

It is raining hard here in Minneapolis. Thunder and lightning are dancing outside my window. This means it will be a slow day at the office. Something feels right about this. It feels romantic. It feels intentional.

It's a great day to be overly productive and drink too much coffee.

Making the switch.

2010-04-07T06:34:00.002-05:00

I took a first step, sort of. I went grocery shopping.

I bought mostly vegetables and fruit. I need to come up with a plan for these though, that part I skipped in favor of working on my totally beautiful new bike.

I just switched from the Monthly Pass to e-tools only. This was a difficult decision for me. Not being in meetings if/when I hit goal means I can't be a leader. I'm hoping Diane (my leader) would stand up for me later if I come back. We'll see.

Today's goal is to just not binge and get in at least a 45 minute workout.

Baby steps.

Committed.

2010-04-06T07:24:00.004-05:00

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice." -Wayne Dyer

That's really all I've got for you today. I'm trying to regain my mojo. I went to the doctor yesterday for relatively hilarious reasons, but had to be weighed with all my clothes on. I didn't bother to take my phone out of my pocket or my keys off my hip, but I sure wish I had.

159.

That's what the scale screamed at me. In my head, I want to make a million excuses about why it was so high. I mean, I had just eaten breakfast, and I was wearing heavy jeans and my phone weighs at least .8lbs, wah wah wah.

The fact of the matter is - I'm gaining.

I have been.

I've been slacking, I've been making excuses, I've been feeling sorry for myself.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of "Well everyone else can eat whatever they want!" It's not true. Those people probably naturally compensate for the gigantic basket of tater tots they share with their friends by eating less at their next meal, not more. Once I get on a crappy food roll, I'm flying at 100mph. Bring on the burgers.

So.

Today is a new day. Today started with a protein filled breakfast and has snacks planned at certain times. Today's lunch is heavy and dinner is light because I have an evening workout scheduled. The rest of the week has been planned around various social engagements. Snacks will be purchased to store in my various fashionable purses so that I won't be hitting up little trays of deliciousness.

I know exactly what I have to do. I can sit around and think about it, or I can just do it.

Guess what I'm choosing?

I'm not gonna lie.

2010-04-05T07:50:00.002-05:00

Ok ladies, I missed you.

I've been treating life like a big vacation lately, and it's been amazing and fun and full of ridiculous, cheek-aching smiles. It has to get real again.

I visited the scale this AM and I'm up again. I haven't been to my Weight Watchers meeting in weeks (maybe over a month) and I haven't tracked a thing in just as long.

Today I'm starting over, but in that traditional "diet" way where I actually start tomorrow.

Today is about preparation. I'm meal planning, taking in to account scheduled social engagements, planned activity, and finding ways to fit more activity in around both of those things.

My plan to "get back on track" is to expand my exercise routine, which has really been lacking. All I've been making time for is my Saturday Step class and sometimes not even that. This afternoon I'm headed to the gym for my strength training routine, tomorrow I'm headed back to boxing class - unless an invitation sways me in which case I will go for a long run in the afternoon. It's all part of the plan.

I'm also committing to coming back here to blog at least 3 times this week. Blogging keeps me alert and accountable. Blogging keeps me connected to this community. Blogging, for me, is a spilling of secrets - it's easy for me to admit to you when I've made a mistake and virtually talk myself through the process of what to do next.

Anyone else in a stage of recommitment?

Whoa.

2010-03-31T06:45:00.002-05:00

I made it over the 54 hour mark for being smoke-free. This is about the point where I start to get agitated, ridiculously. The third day. The day from hell. The day that really counts the most.

I'm trying not to let it get the best of me, but this round of Chantix is feeding me some of the crazy side effects. Last night (and the night before) I was having these crazy livid dreams. I woke up feeling like they were still happening and it took a good 3 minutes until I realized that no, I was in fact alone in my room.

WEIRD.

Also, in other non-awesome news, I look pregnant today. All that talk about maintaining my weight is out the door. I was holding strong at 152lbs for many many weeks and I weighed myself yesterday (as I've been doing pretty much every 2 days to stay on track) and I'm up to 156. Yikes.

Back to salads for lunch, I guess.

Today I'm going to Bikram Yoga with my friend "other Nicole" and we'll sweat out the stress. I'm hoping this will be the perfect time for a little detoxing from the smoking, and it will feel great to get some sweat working again. I've managed to have 3 good workouts so far this week, and this will be a nice active rest day.

How are your workouts going?

Oh, hello.

2010-03-30T05:47:00.004-05:00

Wow.

Life is distracting.

I've been trying to make goals here and there and find ways to let this new chapter of my life play into the goals I've had for years. One super easy motivator of dating as an adult is the very real idea that you'll be naked with someone you really don't know that well. That will get a girl to the gym.

I quit smoking again yesterday, so we'll see how that goes.

I've also committed to #30daysofbiking in April. If you're a twitter user, do a twitter search for #30daysofbiking or go to http://30daysofbiking.com/bike/ for more info. It's me and a couple of friends, which ended up turning into more than 100 people from all over. The premise is simply to ride your bike every day of April, regardless. Could be around the block, could be across the state, and then you tweet about it with the hashtag #30daysofbiking. I'm a contributor to the blog, so I'll be updating here and there with my adventures in addition to the tweeting.

Another motivator: one of the events planned (well, that I planned) for the 30daysofbikings is a SHORTSHORTSRIDE. Tiny tiny shorts. Why? Because it's hilarious.

Additionally, I've gathered a handful of ladies to run the Women Run The Cities 10 miler with me this year. Remember last year, that was the race I chose for my first 5k? We will be Team Jeff, in honor of Kassie's dog.

I've been having some ridiculous binges yet somehow have maintained my weight, probably because I'm back on my bike and riding more often. I've also been trying to get in walks with girlfriends as chat-time because I am broke and the sun has finally returned to MN.

I wish I felt like I had time to catch up on everyone's blogs. I am going to make a point to at least pick them up where they are.

If you feel like summarizing for me, please do!

Can you help me brainstorm some goals that might help me get back and stay back on track?

Hall and Oates Make a Comeback - in my Living Room

2010-03-22T07:43:00.003-05:00

Oh ladies.

(and like... two gentlemen)

I am smitten with the single lifestyle. I'm also WORRIED about the single lifestyle. At the rate I'm going, I'm moving more, but definitely not eating less. How in the world do people date and stay fit? I've been out to eat like 800 times in the last 4 days and I have been to the gym once.

Granted I'm back in the saddle with my bike and I've traveled many miles, but it is in NO way canceling out the damage I'm doing at the table.

I refuse to be that girl who orders a salad on a date.

What do I do!?!

Whoops... sort of.

2010-03-18T05:54:00.002-05:00

I skipped my Weight Watchers meeting (again) yesterday in favor of walking around Lake of the Isles with a girlfriend and making dinner at her apartment. I feel it was a better choice. I'm starting to question whether switching to meetings was a good plan for me.

I know I am definitely not OP right now. I'm not tracking, but I'm eating well for the most part. I have been feeding a peanut butter craving for a week now, but in reasonable amounts and simple building meals around it. Peanut butter is a life source.

This is a predicament however, because you must be a meetings attendee to become a leader once you have reached goal weight. This frustrates me, but I totally understand that you must first know the culture and the working ways of meetings to become and effective leader.

My new plan is to switch back to online only for a month or two. Now that I have successfully shed most things that were causing the most stress, I think losing (when I actually commit) will be much more simple.

I have also decided to quit my gym, The Firm. I joined The Firm in October, firmly needing a swift kick in the ass. It gave me the motivation I needed to be excited about cardio again. It served its purpose and I no longer need it. I am interested in switching BACK to the YWCA for the benefits that I didn't feel were necessary prior to the switch, but that I now crave. These include a gigantic indoor track and a lap pool.

I got back on my bike and I haven't looked back. In fact, lately, I have been saying that every day has been "the best day ever." It's going to start to sound cliche, but honestly, each day keeps getting better than the one that came before it. I am falling back in to myself which is ultimately the most exciting thing ever.

You all know that Jessica is my best friend ever in the world, (BFEITW) and while we were out the other night we had a short but super meaningful [to me] conversation about my epic return to nicoleness. I realize now how captive I had been kept and kept myself, I completely lost me, but I'm coming back.

Speaking of being out, and being awesome, here is what we did the other night.

#bikegangride with bunches of friends. That's me in the front.

Video of said awesomeness. (That's my butt with the yellow belt)

But here is an example of "being back." Standing outside of Busters on 28th, a super delicious bar near a super delicious bike shop, I got the sudden urge to do a cartwheel. The sidewalk was wide open and had obviously been swept recently. I walked up to my new friend Zach and said "So, how do you feel about cartwheels?" From there, we did many many cartwheels, in front of a bar with a very large picture window. It was the most fun I've had in many years and I was delighted to see someone caught it on video.

Hesitation.

2010-03-16T06:11:00.003-05:00

I hesitate to post anything. Not that everything in my life is a big secret right now, and not that I don't overshare every single second of every single day.

I've been living a lot, offline, which seems to be the norm for me the last year or two. I spend all day tethered to a computer for work. I chat, I tweet, I look at people's kid's pictures on Facebook and I read articles in between. I have to put in the plug for twitter being my new friend matching service, however. I have officially met some of the most amazing people I know through channels I've discovered via twitter. The important lesson was to make sure we met IRL (in real life).

It's too easy to do and say things online that don't end up playing out in your life. I worry about that with this blog sometimes. I worry about goal setting that I don't actually care about. I worry that talking to you guys about how my motivation is waning again will kill yours. I worry that we soak up so much strength, positivity (and negativity) from each other that it's so weird that we aren't the kind of girlfriends chatting over mimosas on a Sunday morning.

I'm happy to be here for you. I'm happy that you feel like you "know" me and I feel like I get a glimpse in to your day, your plan, your life. I love that relationship. I count on it more than I'd care to admit.

Sunday I went to Duluth. My plans were nothing more than to watch my brother play music to the brunch crowd, perform a couple songs with him, and go for an exorcism walk.

Yes, exorcise.

Does that look weird? It's because I had some "demons" for lack of a better word, following me around. I hiked the Sucker River, the scene of the crime where I first fell in love. I went there to forgive. Y'all have not been privy to important information about the beginning/middle/end/contents of my previous relationship - and you shall stay in the dark - but it was hard. I kept my head up and tried everything I could to keep it going when I shouldn't have, but eventually grew courage, left, and now I'm here - happier for it. I had to exorcise the resentment, the belief that I gave so much and got so little. Those are not true. I am a better person from that relationship, but I needed this walk to remind me that.

Sucker River Sun

Yesterday I wore "skinny jeans." I had to laugh at the irony of the statement because while I'm "in shape," I will never have "skinny" legs. They're quite muscular and curvaceous at the same time. I looked like an ice cream cone. I felt weird for as long as I concentrated on it and eventually it just went away. The second I stopped obsessing over my triangle-ness, the second someone complimented them.

I've realized that the more I agonize over the little things - that mini snickers I ate at my board meeting, the fact that I skipped the gym all weekend - the more likely I am to continue a downward spiral. It's a shame cycle. "You already sucked, why not suck more?"

Well, there's a saying in my Weight Watchers meeting: "You can suck at it, but you can't quit." I've just decided to alter what I think of "sucking at it." This is mostly in regards to my life right now, not so much the weight loss aspect, but I think they come hand in hand.

My main focus currently is earning back the friendships I lost while I was busy being a "good girlfriend." It was hard for me to keep up with all my responsibilities in my past relationship and also maintain healthy friendships. I ditched out on a lot of plans. I wasn't there when I should have been. I didn't call. I'm also extremely interested in meeting new people, so I can kill two birds with one stone on that one and just title the "goal" Relationships.

Relationships get hungry. I'm a good cook. I would like to buy into a CSA this year and attempt to cook only from these boxes with supplemental protein. Not only would this force me to be more creative in the kitchen, I would save money and almost certainly always have too much, allowing said Relationships to join me for dinner in my backyard.

Speaking of backyards, the city is my playground. I'm so horribly embarrassed that I have been on exactly 2 bike rides so far this year. Not this season, just the year in general. I love biking. I am a huge bicycle advocate. With amazing opportunities on the horizon, I hope to drastically drop my car dependence that I adopted over the winter. I will re-become a bike commuter this year or at the very least only be allowed to drive when it's absolutely required.

I feel when life is going your way, the weight loss aspect becomes easier. I need to switch the focus off again for a little while. I started running in the mornings. This helps me make wiser decisions all day.

I may cancel my gym membership in favor of running/biking/tennis/walking/pushups/pullups/real activity with real people.

Out of the Loop

2010-03-14T07:04:00.003-05:00

I've fallen off the map for a couple days. I've been distracted by something (or someone(s)) and for some reason hadn't even touched Blogger in a matter of days.

I'm all caught up on your blogs now and while I wish I had some sort of exciting news, weight loss tips or a full report on an amazing thing I did this week - everything I've been up to has been somewhat super secret and I fear my tendency to overshare would lead to poor repercussions on my part.

Know that I'm well, excited, and big things could potentially be coming (for me, not necessarily for you, but you can celebrate with me!)

I'm headed up to Duluth today to see my brother. He plays (music) during brunch at a restaurant where we both used to work and I'll be singing a couple songs will him, visiting with some of our friends and then heading to Gooseberry Falls for a nice long foggy walk with my ipod and Mother Nature.

I love Duluth in March. Things have thawed just enough for it to look like a city straight out of the old black and white industrial photographs. It's just gorgeous.

Frittata For All!

2010-03-09T06:11:00.005-06:00

As I explained in yesterday's post, frittatas are awesome. They're the BEST vehicle for utilizing your vegetables that will soon turn or little bits of hard cheese you just don't know what to do with. Leftover meats. Whatever you've got, a frittata will probably make it taste good because all it is really is a crustless quiche. It takes a little finesse to become a frittata expert, but with a practice you'll be great.

And so I give you the basic recipe which you can try to low-cal-it-up by using Egg Beaters, but it will be gross and will not set, trust me. This is PURE protein, just eat it. It's best served with a good mixed green salad.

Basic Frittata

You'll need:

8 large eggs
2 tsp parsley, chopped
2 tsp basil or marjoram
1 tsp thyme
3/4 cup shredded Gruyere cheese
1/2 cup grated parmessan cheese
2 tbsp butter
1 tsp salt
black pepper to taste

You'll do:

First, preheat your broiler and have a rack ready in the upper quarter of your oven.

Whisk the eggs in a large bowl, add the fresh herbs, salt, pepper, and shredded cheese. Melt the butter in a heavy oven proof medium sized non-stick frying pan on medium heat. When the butter starts to foam, tip in the egg mix. Turn down the heat to low-medium and let the eggs cook gently for 10-15 minutes or so. (Seriously. Be patient.) Check to make sure the underneath is set and notice that the very top of your frittata is slightly runny.

(To check while it's in the pan, you'll continue to run a heat proof rubber spatula around the edges of the pan. You can gently lift it at that point when it begins to set)

Pop the pan under the broiler for a minute or so to set and lightly brown the top. YOU MUST WATCH THE ENTIRE TIME or you'll probably burn it.

Take it out when it's done.

Slide a spatula under the frittata to free it from the pan, slide onto a warm plate and serve in wedges.

ENJOY!

From Farm to Fork.

2010-03-08T19:37:00.005-06:00

This weekend went by a lot quicker than I wanted it to. I managed to get myself in to a good amount of trouble in that brief couple of days, but that's a story for another time, or perhaps, another blog.

I followed through with my pledge for the TUTU Challenge on Saturday. 2 miles on the treadmill at 6.3 mph (about 9.75 min mile), 1.25 hours of Step class and 1 hour of Circuit Training.

I didn't barf, though I may have entertained the idea as an excuse to leave the room, which gets extra sweaty when you stay an extra hour. Amazingly enough, come Sunday morning, I wasn't the least bit sore. I managed to burn 1,139 calories! Amazing.

Later on Saturday I took off for my cooking class: The Solo Cook. Here's that adventure:

Mississippi Market Coop's new(er) West 7th Street store in St. Paul

All cooperatives in our area typically remind you that you're MEANT to be there. #gocoop!

This is Kristin of Farm to Fork setting up her station

If you don't have a Microplane, you should probably get one.

Our first dish: a lentil, chard, sausage and bacon stew served over crostini. This can be eaten just as a stew, over toast, or made in to a salad of sorts. So many ways!

We spent a fair amount of time talking about what "the solo cook" needs to have in their kitchen. I tend to have an extremely OVER stocked kitchen, so I was excited to know that I'm in a good place as far as equipment goes.

I do NOT, however, have a cleaver, and now I really want one.

Chocolate bread pudding

I kind of liked it. Can you tell? Yes, those are finger swipes.

The frittata, the highlight of the class. A simple yet complicated dish to master. It can be the perfect vessel for any veggies you have in your fridge that are becoming questionable.

All done, now to slide it out.

My friend Stephanie and I really enjoyed the taste testing aspect of the class.

Frittata

Oh.

Yum.

All in all, the class was fun and informative as far as giving me some ideas with how to better utilize whole foods (less processed) more often in my cooking and taking the emphasis on making solid "meals" in the realm that we always imagine them. It doesn't always have to be a big production. For instance, this afternoon I was feeling lazy and didn't want to "make" lunch. I didn't have any frozen meals to fall back on but didn't feel like "making" anything. I remembered back to the beginning of all of this, how I "assembled" things. I grabbed a chicken breast, spread jalapeno hummus on it, dumped some black beans on top of that and served myself up a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese. It was pretty much the most delicious thing I've had in a long time and it took no effort. I need to remember things like this when I'm digging around in the freezer. I will be FAR more satisfied if I take the extra 3 minutes to put something together.

However, I was hoping for a little more advice on how to cut down on food costs or some good recipes that serve two. No go. All 3 of the recipes we took home served 4-6, and most of the class was focused on having a well stocked kitchen for a "live alone." I think this would have been a really great class for the recently divorced man. As a seasoned cook with a well stocked kitchen and pantry, I got little use. However, Kristin was really kind to answer a lot of my questions about freezing best practices, so I can continue to make the recipes I loved to cook for the family and freeze myself individual portions.

The best part? Hanging out with my friend Steph whom I hadn't seen in forever, spending some time out and about doing something productive and having a portion controlled lunch!

What was the highlight of your weekend?

The Challenge (and why this weekend will rule)

2010-03-05T08:58:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow morning I am embarking on a challenge. A serious challenge.

So, I've talked to you about my Step instructor, Doug, the one in the speedo, the one who makes me gargle my lungs every Saturday morning at 8:30am and drags me through the moves until 9:45am.

And I've told you about Brad, my super fun but equally crazy Circuit Training teacher who fools me in to thinking I'm just dancing around even though I'm basically doing jumping jacks for an entire hour.

And right now I'm telling you that I am going to take these 2 classes BACK TO BACK.

Tomorrow morning, I will set foot in the gym at 8:05am, jog 2 miles on the treadmill, suffer through an hour and fifteen minutes of ridiculous Step class and then subject myself to an additional hour of Circuit Training.

If I had to estimate, I'm going to say this will be worth WELL over 1,000 calories burned, which is good because later in the day I am going to the Mississippi Market Coop for a cooking class called "The Solo Cook" to learn how to adapt my family cooking skills to my new single self.

After that, who knows? I might just have a date.

Oh there will be pictures, my friends. Pictures of my red/sweaty/exhausted face after the workout of a lifetime, pictures of my cooking class, and pictures of everything in between.

and THAT is why this weekend will rule.

What are your big plans?

Another Taste Test from the Goody Bag.

2010-03-03T12:53:00.003-06:00

All of the ladies from the PriorFatGirl meet up have been working their way through their goodybags this week. I tried those delicious cookie bites, and today I thought I'd give the Funky Monkey freeze dried fruit a chance.

The flavor I took home was "Pink Pineapple" (pineapple and guava)

The package states it's 100% real fruit, fat free, with no sugar added.

It looked weird, like old pizza crust, but here goes...

hmmm...

Do not like.

What do I do?

Yuck.

Sorry Funky Monkey. Not a fan. I'd rather have an actual pineapple.

In their defense, my friend took home a bag of Cinnamon Banana flavored Funky Monkey and said they were good. That's a flavor I probably would have enjoyed in crunch form. This was way too sweet and just way too.. gross. They were so repulsive to me that I felt it necessary to put up such unflattering photos. JUST. NOT. IN. TO. IT. Eat real fruit, benefit from the water content.

Reader Question on Cooking.

2010-03-02T12:26:00.004-06:00

Well I'm feeling very unoriginal after the fridge post! Apparently everyone likes to take pictures of their own and look in another person's fridge. This still confuses me, you're all fridge perverts.

However, my friend Lycia, who is not new to dieting but is new to the lifestyle change posed a great question: "Did you start out cooking your own meals? Right now I'm completely overwhelmed ..."

And the answer is, yes (and no).

When I first started getting serious about Weight Watchers, I wouldn't say I "cooked" so much as "assembled." I kept my menu VERY simple. Oatmeal for breakfast, turkey sandwiches and fruit for lunch, baby carrots and cappuccino for snacks, and I, too, survived on Lean Cuisines and Smart Ones for dinner at first. I didn't want to force the boys to have to eat the way I was eating, as if "healthy" eating would be a chore for them. And I honestly didn't think I could eat "real food" and lose weight.

It wasn't until I started exploring Weight Watchers fabulous website and their giant database of recipes that I started cooking. When I realized we could be eating most of the things we had always eaten only "lightened up," they were on board (not necessarily by choice, I just started cooking). I started investing in cookbooks, utensils, new pans, and any other gadget I could get my hands on that would make me excited to spend time in the kitchen doing something other than leveling off a pint of Ben and Jerry's while avoiding the giant pile of dirty dishes.

I have built up an amazing collection of cookbooks that keep the meals simple to prepare with limited ingredients as those are the two main points of importance to me when I'm making a meal. a) Do I have (or do I want to spend) time to make this meal? b) Can I afford everything it requires and still utilize what's left over?

That is why my favorite book to date is a Weight Watchers cookbook called Now and Later. The premise of the meals is that you will follow one recipe for dinner "now", and a portion of that recipe will be used "later" to create a separate meal. It's a fantastic time saver, and it also adds variety without forcing you to buy too many "non-staple" ingredients to spoil away in the fridge.

I'd love to hear about YOUR favorite cookbook. Particularly one with simple healthy recipes to get Lycia started (and, perhaps, to add to my collection as well).

Fridge Raid!

2010-03-01T13:05:00.005-06:00

Since I've moved in to my new place I've had a number of girlfriends over, many of whom are trying to lose weight. For some odd reason, even though I haven't lost anything of significance in a long time, these ladies look to me as a role model in the weight loss world.

I'm not discrediting what I've done in the past. I've certainly been successful. I've lost more than 50 pounds and kept it off for 2 years. I want to lose the last of it, but slow and steady wins the race and I'm not rollercoastering up and down as I have in the past. This is a HUGE accomplishment and should serve as a reminder to those of you who are "stuck" that you've already come so far. Don't give up on yourself.

So, when these girlfriends came over, they took pictures inside of my fridge.

No. I'm not kidding.

I found it odd and off-putting at the time, but I realized... hey.. that's pretty clever. If what I eat or keep in my fridge inspires you in some way, awesome.

Here's a little tour of my fridge.

The fridge.

Pictures of me and my favorite lady, also family and love notes serve as a reminder for WHY I am on this weight loss journey. I have a life and I want to live it in the most healthful and exciting way that I can.

One of my favorite "pick me up and keep me going" quotes.

Inside!

Top Shelf: Raw chicken breast in tupperware for tonight's dinner. On top of that, leftover polenta (also for tonight). Half a banana from this morning's breakfast, Fage 0% Greek yogurt (two of them) and a multitude of fat free single serve greek yogurts. Organic fat free cottage cheese. Left over black bean and corn salsa with 1/2 an apple in a tupperware on top of it.

Middle Shelf: Herb and Mixed Greens in the big tub, bagged spinach on top of that. Spaghetti sauce in the back, turkey tenderloin leftovers from the "roasting incident" Saturday, tupperware of thawed shrimp, behind that are the rude "roasted" veggies waiting to be made into soup, two little tubs of hummus (one roasted red pepper and one cilantro + jalapeno), carton of rice pudding, 2 cartons of eggs.

Bottom Shelf: wine for my wino habit, chilled water, asparagus, tapioca loaf gluten-free bread, corn tortillas, my work lunchbox which is empty but just chilling in the back, some cilantro, a tube of prepared polenta, Diet Hansen's ginger-ale and a few Diet A&W root beer.

Veg Drawer: red pepper, green pepper, tomato, carrots

Fruit Drawer: 2 grapefruit, mango, 2 apples, honey tangerine, pomegranate seeds

Deli Drawer: two tomatoes, soy cheese, lox, prepped green and red pepper slices, 1/2 a lime?, deli turkey, low fat string cheese

Door: smart balance butter, salsa, blueberry pomegranate applesauce, peach cups, condiments, Light Silk, Green Goodness juice by Bolthouse Farms, egg beaters, Jello Pudding cups, FF redi-whip, beer, more beer, bottled water from the move and a can of Sparks.

Are any of these items weird and worth photographing? They're pretty much staples in my house. What do you keep in your fridge?

SnackAttack

2010-02-28T17:33:00.002-06:00

Trying to prepare for the week, especially with GlutenFast2010, I was creating some of my own "convenience food" to replace the quick snacks I became accustomed to (like delicious and filling Kashi Bars).

I spent some time with my scale and a box of snack sized bags.

tons of 3 point servings of cinnamon-sugar coated almonds

All of that packing made me a little snacky. You would think I'd just reach for the almonds I was playing with, but I decided to go for one of the new treats I got at the PriorFatGirl meet up I talked about yesterday.

Cookie Bites from Kay's Naturals

This totally decent sized bag clocked in at only 2 points (110/2/3) and packed 10 grams of protein! WOW! (and yum)

actual size shot of the bites

I was pretty sad to see that the boxes of single serving packets were sold out on Kay's website, especially since Jen, a prior fat girl, has a super sweet discount code through April 15th! (just enter "priorfatgirl" when checking out for 30% off your order!)

Sweet tooth satisfied, I figured I ought to make some "real" food so I stuffed a turkey tenderloin cut at the bottom of a roasting pan FULL of delicious veggies.

The downside? I'm an idiot and put all these things in together, knowing full well the veggies shouldn't have entered the picture until the last 1/2 hour of roasting time. Dumb. They were ruined by steaming and were horrible. I am going to toss them into a soup though, so it's not a total loss.

How do you rescue a meal you were totally excited for yet totally ruined?

prior fat girl(s)

2010-02-27T14:03:00.008-06:00

Well ladies of MN and those outside of the awesomeness that is MN, today was the priorfatgirl blogger meet up. Prior and Pre-Prior fat girls from the metro area gathering at the Beat Coffeehouse to mingle, reflect and share our weight loss journeys.

I took a bunch of pictures, so here's the tour.

Adorable fancy name tags. I officially felt like "a prior fat girl."

Acting crazy before coffee.

With my BFF Jessica

And we finally met LISA! (the broad broad)

I made sure to have my water handy next to my skim latte (and blackberry).

Jen, a prior fat girl, starts us off with a welcome!

Lindsey, another prior fat girl, shares a bit of her story

Amanda, another prior fat girl, gets some words in too.

And I attack Adrienne, my super fav MN blogger

And Jessica and I get in with our twitter pal Lisa!

Better pic of me and Adrienne!

Jen and the prior fat girls handed out index cards where we (privately) wrote our greatest fear in regards to our respective weight loss journey

We brought them to a table at the front of the room

And table by table we got up and we read them aloud, anonymously

My view from the front as I read. You can see Sarah from Sarah Gets Healthy

and Missy (in the blue) from The Ups and Downs of Losing Weight

There was even a raffle. We "earned" tickets for bringing our favorite recipe, as well as *working the room* with the other bloggers

The goods up for grabs

Jen, drawing tickets for the raffle and a cute shot of Sarah

When all was said and done, Jessica, Lisa and I took a 1/2 mile walk to Tatters for their 50% off sale. Lisa is from Wisconsin, so it only made sense to drag her shopping.

Lisa, a Minneapolis girl?

I had a great time. We left with goody bags, most of which I had to give away because of new Gluten Free lifestyle, but there were some (actually a FEW) items in there that I could eat. I shoved the rest in Jessica's bag so I wouldn't be tempted but I'll be sure to review the few gluten free items I grabbed in the next couple days.

Wish you had been there!

GF GF GF GF GF GF

2010-02-27T08:33:00.001-06:00

GF. Gluten Free, or at least yesterday it could have stood for a "good friday."

I know it's silly because if being gluten intolerant is my problem, the effects would not be noticeable after only 36 hours of being GF, however, I felt amazing yesterday. The *ahem* problems I've been having didn't come out to play, and I had a lot of energy and charisma.

I hope I can keep that momentum going while I attend the PRIOR FAT GIRL MEET UP today! How exciting to be in a room of 40+ people here in the Twin Cities in various stages of their weight loss journey!

I will be back with pictures!

Time For Change. (TMI involved)

2010-02-25T20:09:00.004-06:00

After endless arguments, I've self-diagnosed myself with a gluten intolerance.

Here's a little TMI for you: I'm a fart factory. I have an awful stomach, and I get bloaty and gassy and I'm pretty much disgusting to be around. This generally happens (at least as I've been tracking and noticing) after I eat wheat products. It's time to smash this.

I'm going on a gluten fast. That's right, gluten free. I've set a one month goal, but I'm hoping this is the cause of my distended stomach (endless) and stankass gas, in which case, I'll be GF forever.

I made a quick stop at the store tonight to pick up a couple swaps and treats of the gluten free variety, and I'm actually somewhat excited. I think for the most part, I'll be eating clean. Just protein, vegetables and dairy at every meal. This is a fantastic way to eat! It cuts out all of the crap that sends me off the deep end either way.

I have 2 girlfriends who are gluten intolerant, and I've tapped them for their endless knowledge, and I've also found a whole host of blogs that I'll be enjoying. If you feel like following along, here they are:

Mish at EatingJourney.com whom I've been following for quite some time.
Gluten Free Girl and the Chef
Gluten Free Goddess Recipes (with a side of life)
Elana's Pantry
I Am Gluten Free

And so, friends, I invite you to join me on this journey as I start eating clean to determine if I am, in fact, intolerant of gluten. I know it's a weird twist, but if for no other reason than perhaps this will be a good lesson to all of us in how to get creative and stay satisfied while eating clean.

Do you have any food allergies? Was it difficult to adjust your eating habits around them?

Whoopsie Daisy.

2010-02-21T21:31:00.002-06:00

In an effort to cram as much awesomeness into one day, I had a free hour to meet with one of my best friends for coffee to talk about something really important to her. Because of that, when I got home, I was too hungry to photo document my delicious dinner and simply made it, dished it up and fed my sister and I.

One of these days I will do a tutorial of something delicious. I'm not very good at following through with that lately. Thanks for sticking by me even though I'm unreliable.

I had a fantastically ON PLAN day. Something struck me yesterday in BitchCake's post. Something about "eating beyond taste." I tried to listen to myself today and decipher what I was really hungry for. I felt snacky around lunchtime but knew I wasn't actually hungry. With Bikram in the plans just an hour and a half from then, I decided to cut up a ton of fresh fruit and garnish it with vanilla yogurt and a dash of cinnamon. I FUELED myself instead of FED myself.

I want to try to live this way also. I'm not going vegan, and I can't wholly give up convenience food, but I at least want to eat what my body needs.

My goal for the rest of this week (through Wednesday) is to continue to hit my 8 Good Health Guidelines daily. That means drinking water, taking my vitamins, getting in correct servings of veggies, fruit, lean protein, dairy and whole grains as well as conducting some sort of physical activity and avoiding alcohol and sugar.

When I plan my meals around the GHGs, I'm rarely hungry and I'm generally full of energy.

Have you ever thought of "eating beyond taste?" Eating things to fuel your body rather than feed your cravings?

Sunday Walk.

2010-02-21T09:21:00.002-06:00

I took my first totally functional walk this morning to a gas station about 5 blocks away to grab the Sunday paper for my coupon clipping adventures.

I'm having a gorgeous weekend morning, lingering over coffee, the paper and the procrastination of making a delicious and hearty breakfast. I already started that process - putting together my favorite black bean/mexicorn/red onion/cilantro/lime juice salad. I guess it's more of a salsa. I'm not sure what to call it other than DELICIOUS. It's so great for tossing in a flatout wrap, scrambling with eggs, or topping a yummy cut of fish. Multi-functional and awesome.

Tonight I'm making my favorite healthy sloppy joes for my sister and I and I'll be documenting it with photographs so you can make it at home! They're so delicious, freeze well, and the whole family loves them.

How are you relaxing and making today "easy like Sunday morning?"

Efficient Kitchen.

2010-02-20T10:51:00.002-06:00

I'm reorganizing my meal plan today. I have the cooking itch, so I'm going to prepare a few dishes and freeze the leftovers. This will be my first attempt at bulk cooking for one. However, today is turning into a ridiculous errand day.

Everything I want to do requires a new item. I don't have enough tupperware to freeze individual portions, so I'll need to stop at Target (but I have a coupon!). I also don't have a saucepan any bigger than the tiny one I use to reheat coffee and soup.

My gym clothes smell like armpits after today's ridiculous Step class, so I'll also need to stop off at the laundromat and wash all my darks - which is more than fine with me as I have a small stack of magazines I haven't had time to read.

However, since I'm doing so much cooking and packaging, I thought it might be a good opportunity to take some photographs and do some tutorials of some of my favorite dishes (that are totally family friendly and easy).

I'll post them this coming week.

Enjoy your weekend!

Friday Randomness.

2010-02-19T07:35:00.002-06:00

Happy Weekend Kickoff Day.

Yesterday's 6:30am to 8:00pm (which subsequently turned into 9:30pm) day from hell is over. I slept incredibly well last night. I gauge "good sleep" on whether all I have to do to make the bed in the morning is flip the comforter back from it's little triangle fold rather than figure out where the top/bottom/entire comforter even is.

I did veer a tiny bit off plan yesterday when grabbing some Hershey Kisses during my 3rd meeting of the day, but there were far more tempting choices just staring at me from the middle of the table, so I consider this a success.

I had a girlfriend over who wanted to "learn my process" of planning out meals. For the 2nd time this week, someone has taken pictures INSIDE my fridge. I find this totally odd, but... if it helps someone grocery shop, I'm all for it. We eeked out some meal plans for ourselves through Monday to aide with what could be weekend disasters, had some Prosecco and shared some good talks.

I'm off to the gym right now to get in some great stress-busting cardio before 2 more meetings today and then WEEKEND! So I'll leave you with some of the interesting things that I read through my fantastic blogroll.

JAG taught me how to make my own almond milk.

The geniuses at Calorie Count delve a little deeper into fear-based eating.

Rebecca at Durch Dick und Duenn thinks she is disappointing her readers with her recent struggle to get back on track. That's bull, we all struggle. Please go show her some support.

Jen at a prior fat girl thinks she's gone temporarily insane and is using food as medication. She's opened up to us for help. Do you have advice?

Off to the gym!

Scmweigh in.

2010-02-18T06:21:00.004-06:00

I'm a up a little bit this week. Guess what? Not phased by it.

Last week, starting with Wednesday's trip to the Hotness Party (and subsequent pit stops for more drinks and more food), I thought I was done for. Right around Friday, when I tried to turn it around, I "screwed up" again. It was only 1/2 of Saturday and all day Sunday that I really started to turn this week around.

And I really did.

I had a pretty rad week. I tracked every day, every thing, I got in a ton of activity and I said "No" to myself when I wanted things that didn't fit in to my plan. I also realize that my weigh in fell after 3 back to back ridiculously strenuous strength training workouts. So while I'm not trying to make excuses for my little .6lb gain, I fully realize that since I was just reintroducing difficult workouts after a period of "taking it easy," my muscles are most likely broken down and retaining water, waiting for the time to build back up. For proof, check out my sweaty picture on Jen, a prior fat girl's post today.

Today, I'm faced with a challenge. I am completely scheduled out from, well, right now until 8:00pm tonight. I packed my whole fridge in my lunch bag essentially, I have....

Carrots (0)
Honey Tangerine (.5)
Light String Cheese (1)
Blueberry Pom Applesauce (1)
Banana (2)
BAS + homemade vin (1)
Turkey Sandwich TOMS style (3)

I'm also bringing a diet ginger ale just in case I get a sugar craving, which I undoubtedly will on such a long day, and I plan to pick up Subway on my way to the later board meeting so I won't snack on the caramel corn that one chair always brings. Damn caramel corn.

I am hopeful that today's breakfast will sustain me. I took a packet of Kashi Go Lean hot cereal in Truly Vanilla and mixed it with a packet of Carnation Instant Breakfast. The end result looked pretty gross, but it tasted... also pretty gross but together it had a lot of protein and fiber. I washed it down with coffee anyway.

What's your strategy for SUPER LONG DAYS out of the house?

Wrapping things up.

2010-02-16T21:18:00.004-06:00

Well, tonight marks the end of my Weight Watchers week, so I'm wrapping things up.

Barring some kind of wrestle with the freezer tonight, I'll be ending the week with ZERO WPA/flex points and 22 out of 31 Activity Points. It's been a while since I racked up the Activity Points so that felt amazing.

Here's how amazing it felt.

That's a lot of sweat.

I submitted that picture to Jen at Prior Fat Girl. She routinely collects pics from all of us weight loss bloggers sweating our asses off (literally) at the gym.

Here's what I ate the rest of today.

Kashi Roasted Almond Crunch bar (3)

crumbled up into 1/2 cup Dannon Light and Fit (1)

Spaghetti Squash (0) + Zucchini (0) + Spinach (o) + 1 tsp Olive Oil (1) + 1/4 c Newman's Own spaghetti sauce (.5)

Here are some delicious looking/sounding recipes I ran across on my blogroll today:

Garlic Shrimp in Coconut Milk, Tomatoes and Cilantro from Gina's WW Recipes

Improv Pasta from TJ's Test Kitchen

I'm turning in early (again) to watch Time Traveler's Wife.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Yum.

2010-02-16T13:38:00.005-06:00

I woke up to this guy's face giving me the "I really have to go" sign.

So off we went while the coffee was brewing.

coffee + 1/4 c Almond Breeze (.5)

Quaker Lower Sugar Oats (2) + 1 tbsp Justin's Almond Butter (2)

Del Monte No Sugar Added Peach cup [in water] (0)

Banana (2)

super delicious wrap (4) + BAS (o) + Shrimp (1) + homemade vinaigrette (1)

Holy yum. I put basil hummus inside this wrap, topped with arugula, spinach, thinly sliced cucumbers, onions, tomatoes, shaved carrots and turkey.

Since I am focusing on adding more protein this week, I decided that even though there was turkey in my wrap, I'd add some shrimp to the salad to bulk it up.

As a quick reference to how much food I eeked out of that lunch, that plate in the picture above is the DINNER plate to the regular salad plate I use for all of my other meals. It's approximately 12" diameter. HUGE.

Fat Tuesday.

2010-02-16T07:44:00.004-06:00

As a recovering Catholic, I don't celebrate the Lenten season by giving something up for 40 days to see how "the other side lives." Rather than spend 40 days out of the year without one of my modern conveniences, I simply choose to live a life of service 365 days by volunteering for a variety of causes, giving away 15% of my already TINY nonprofit income and working with the homeless on a daily basis. I'm not knocking people who celebrate Lent, mind you, but rather asking why some of you might put so much emphasis on this train of thought only once per year.

The concept of Fat Tuesday, however, always fascinated me. Spending the day and night eating rich and fatty foods to prepare for 40 days of "fasting." It's interesting to me because Fat Tuesday is essentially how I have treated my diet in the past.

Every night was Fat Tuesday.

"Oh, I'll just start over tomorrow, so tonight I might as well eat this entire tub of ice cream."

There's not much different from the mindset of an overeater to that of someone "eating" in preparation for less food. We are biologically built to seek out fatty foods to sustain us in times of famine, but people... this is the Western World in the modern age. If you're reading this, you're not likely to ever experience a time of famine.

I've spoken with my Grandmother about times in the Depression (something people are comparing our current economy to). They would ration a bag of oats or flour, a small handful to each child, which would then be chased by as much water could be found and tolerated to puff the stomach up and give the illusion of full. People these days do this to themselves by means of FullBars and stapling surgery.

One thing I don't think we realize is how blessed we are and our many blessings have led to that very thing that curses us.

Why not spend this Lenten season fasting from entitlement, even if mentally, and consider your life if the most you had was a handful of oats and flour and a dirty glass of water. Maybe, for some people, our motivation can come in the form of guilt. Rather than finishing everything on your plate because "children are starving in Africa," take that as an opportunity to eat less of that processed packaged food and send it to your local food bank.

Anything with an expiration date that goes beyond your next birthday should kind of freak you out anyway.

Or, maybe this Lenten season, you simply decide to give up the ghost and really crack down on your weight loss journey because that way, you WON'T sacrifice time with family and friends later in life when we'll all need each other the most.

What is your take on Lent?

Finishing up the day.

2010-02-15T20:32:00.003-06:00

Wow.

Just... wow.

Tonight I was very excited to hit one of my favorite classes, Circuit Training with Brad. Brad is fun, bubbly. His whole class is like a dance party.

Brad's out of town.

Enter Snype.

The only thing I could think was "WTF? I am going to die." He's outfitted in camo, he's gigantic. He's probably a body builder and he's probably not going to smile at me and knock fists like Brad does.

He has a whistle.

The first 5 minutes of class would have been enough for me. My heart rate was essentially flying off the charts. I had to stop a few times just to let it get down to 90% versus 100%. I think I could have had a heart attack, literally. Snypeattack.

The whole class was less than fun, and I found myself screaming and grunting in pain. Luckily, I had two of my favorite workout buddies on either side: other Nicole and Darci. We pushed each other, we laughed (I cried) and we survived. And now, I might just be a little bit in love. I am ridiculously full of endorphins. I think this might have been considered a bootcamp Olympic style workout, not for the faint of heart.

I'll be back.

Here's the rest of my eats for the day, coming in with 1.5 points to spare as I head off to bed (early).

almonds (2)

2.3 oz Chicken Breast (2.5) + Just for One veggies (0) + Spinach with Olive Oil (1) + 1/2 c Quinoa (2) with 1/2 c Prosecco for dinner drink/dessert (2)

yum.

What's the hardest workout you've ever (accidentally) done?

Non Negotiable

2010-02-15T14:31:00.003-06:00

When I was really successful, consistently losing weight, going above my daily points was not negotiable. Granted, the WW program at that time did not allow you to bank your Activity Points to be used at any time throughout the week. If you earned them on Tuesday, you used them on Tuesday or they were gone.

I'm trying to get back in to the mindset that not eating according to my meal plan is an option. When I have too many options, I get overwhelmed and go crazy.

Yesterday I threw away my delicious granola. Expensive granola. MMMmmm granola. But it's a trigger food for me, so away it goes.

I'm back on track today, feeling fantastic. I've already cancelled much of my social calendar for the week so that I can set myself up for success. I know if I can have just ONE good week to get my footing back and see a loss, I will be motivated again and stay motivated like I am now.

Here's what I've had so far today (all according to my meal plan)

coffee + 1/4 c Almond Breeze (.5) [with a side of Valentine]

1/4 c egg beaters (1) + TOMS (tomato, onion, mustard, spinach) (0) on Arnold Sandwich thin (1) + Strawberry FiberOne yogurt (.5) + Apple with cinnamon (1)

banana (2)

BAS [big ass salad] (0) + 3 oz turkey (2) + homemade vinaigrette (1)

light string cheese (1)

This evening I am meeting up with "other Nicole," my fitness buddy, for Circuit Training at our gym. This is one of my favorite classes, so it's sure to solidify the positive feelings I have about recommitting today.

Why does it always seem like Monday is the best day to start over?

Ok Ok Ok.

2010-02-13T13:41:00.003-06:00

Ok. I lied to you.

I lied to myself too. I did NOT do well yesterday, though my motivation is genuinely high.

How does this work? How can I be so determined to "do the right thing" as I stuff multiple "light" pizzas into my face on one day? (without taking pictures of any of it, even though I said I would.)

WTF?

Let's Make A Deal.

2010-02-12T07:56:00.003-06:00

I need accountability.

I have made that apparent in so many ways. I set myself up for many successes, and then I slink away at the first chance of failure... thus inviting that failure to take over the situation.

Accountability. Here's how I work it.

Joanna. A fellow Weight Watcher and friend. Together we have many systems in place to stay on track. For the last month we've been playing a game called "TRACK ATTACK." We divulged our WW e-tools sign in information to each other and at any given time we spy on what the other is doing. Are they tracking? Are they eating well? Do we have any suggestions? Mostly just celebrating the fact that we are, in fact, tracking.

Well lately, Joanna and I have been over-eating. I started it and she followed suit. This week we have a bet in place that however many points the other goes over their weekly target, that is how many dollars they owe the other person. I do NOT want to part with my precious money, so this is helping me stay the course.

The Firm. With accountability help from my friend "other Nicole" and the fact that Blue Cross Blue Shield of MN (my insurance company) reimburses me if I make it 12 times a month, I have many people supporting me to get to the gym. My investment in membership (which is ridiculously higher than my previous gym) is also a great source of accountability. It makes me WORK for that BCBS reimbursement each month. Also, I like "other Nicole" so much I don't want to let her down.

You Guys. Even though you support me through thick and thin (which feels great), I don't want to disappoint you either. I want to show you this CAN be done, that we're doing it... that I'm doing it. When you come here each day, read my blog and leave a comment, it inspires me to work harder. I don't want to spill my guts here for nothing. I want to be a success story and I need you all to see that.

And now... Photos. I have to go back to photographic evidence and accountability.

I'm going to play my favorite "get back on track" game: What I Planned vs What I ate. Here's today's plan:

Breakfast: Coffee + 1/4 cup Vanilla Almond Breeze (.5), Lower Sugar Maple and Brown Sugar oatmeal (2)

Snack: Small Banana (1.5), Kiwi (.5)

Lunch: BAS (big ass salad) + 3 oz Turkey (2) + 1 tsp Olive Oil (1) + 1 tbsp Balsamic Vinegar (0)

Snack: Emerald Almond 100 Calorie pack (2) + Small Skim Latte (2)

Dinner: Root Vegetable Tagine over Cous Cous (4) + Mixed greens with Newman's Own Spray (0)

"Dessert:" Gin and Tonic x2 (6)

Total Points Planned: 21.5/22

I'll be divulging photographic evidence of whether or not I followed my plan, any improvisations, substitutions or just straight up mistakes. This is a weekend of highly social events. Tonight, I have been roped in to being the Bachelorette for a local version of The Dating Game: The Punk Rock Dating Game. I wrote a bunch of funny hipster-themed questions and I'm treating the whole thing more as an improv/theater class than an actual dating game. I was told I'd get prizes and drink for free, so I'm in to it.

(I'll have pictures of that too)

Click Click Boom.

2010-02-11T07:16:00.003-06:00

Something clicked for me last night.

Somewhere between my Weight Watchers meeting and eating butter soaked scallops with my favorite eating buddy, I wised up.

Betty, a fellow member of my meeting, received her 25lb medal. This is months, maybe years in the making. Betty is a wise lady. Her motto is "I can suck at this, but I can't quit."

Last night, during celebrations and the receipt of her medal, Diane (our fearless leader) shared that she noticed when something "clicked" inside Betty. The moment she realized "Hey, it would be a lot more fun to come in here and celebrate losses every week than to grieve a gain."

I want that to be me.

I've been doing this for over 2 years, and for the past half of that time frame I've been slacking off. I've become an expert in maintaining the same 5 pound weight range and that, to me, says I've learned. I've figured it out. I know how to eat to remain now.

The factor is that I'm not finished. I haven't finished what I set out to do, and as a semi-accomplished person (or I'd like to think so) this means a lot to me.

Betty wasn't the only one getting her 25lb medal last night. There were many celebrations. 10% goals reached, 5lb stars handed out left and right. I found myself rubbing my 10% keychain with 25lb and 50lb medals attached and realizing that I honestly can't remember the last time one of those celebrations was for me.

Well, soon, my friends.

I'm back in the game.

It was all confirmed by Jack Sh*t's post this morning when he asks "Why not?"

And so today I planned my meals, and I planned tomorrow's meals, and I thought up strategies for the crazy social obligations I have this weekend that mostly revolve around desserts and alcohol. I'm comfortable saying no. I'm comfortable with the fact that I resolve to see this goal through, and no temporary fun is going to get in the way. There is plenty of fun to be had at the finish line (within reason of course. We all know this journey never really ends.).

Will you join me today? Quit the tomfoolery and really buckle down? We're in this together.

The Wave.

2010-02-09T06:24:00.005-06:00

There is a wave going through the weight loss blogging community right now.

It seems everyone is feeling malaise, bored, ho-hum, this is hard, I'm screwing up left and right.

I'm there too.

Oh trust me, there are plenty of ladies and gentlemen who are not, and we need to be sure to turn our actions around. Or I can see them coming after us with torches and pitchforks. Their Motivation Mob is going to shake us by the shoulders and give us a slap into reality. We can't do this to ourselves!

Well, there is no Motivation Mob. I bet if there was, they'd be really cute though.

So, like everyone else, I "screwed up" yesterday. I was volunteering to make fundraising phone calls (everyone's worst nightmare) for the organization where Jessica works. Making fund drive phone calls is pretty terrible, and usually no one likes to call up strangers and bother them during the dinner hour, which is precisely why I felt I needed to volunteer. It's important to step up when no one else will. So, Jessica warned me there would be pizza and cheesecake - so I had to devise a plan.

Pizza is comfort food, so I made up a little dish of spaghetti squash with sausage sauce, one of my favorite comfort meals. I also packed cinnamon rice pudding (yum yum) which is actually more favored by me than cheesecake which is simply too rich. I had it all thought out. I was ready!

However, when I got there, it was only me and 2 other volunteers. 3 pizzas had been ordered. I know usually people say they feel bad turning down food, in this instance, I actually did. I did not want to see the money from this nonprofit go to waste. The person coordinating this activity was also pretty pushy. It's all an excuse, I'm aware, but I ended up eating pizza instead of the dinner I packed.

I instantly regretted it... and then I ate a cookie.

And I regretted that so I ate 3 more cookies.

After all was said and done, yesterday's total of -12 points for the week is now -25, which is actually pretty good. It is very lucky I had a large amount of points left for the day because Pizza Points are no joke.

Anyhow, all of that is over and done with. It happened yesterday, there's nothing I can do about it. Today is a new day. I think being a part of the Motivation Mob is realizing that every meal is another chance. Motivate yourself to make that happen. Don't beat yourself up, there are other mobs for that.

I go back to the office today after many many many days off. It will be great to get back into a real routine. I already have my gym bag packed and I intend to go directly from work to the gym. I have my new Neighborhood Meeting tonight, so I will meet the council and hear about happenings. I hope to very involved.

I hope the Motivation Mob tackles all of you. We're holding our first annual meeting on Saturday February 27th and you can come.

Superbowl/Stupidbowl.

2010-02-08T12:01:00.003-06:00

Well.

Well well well.

I don't particularly care for football, nor do I care about "the big game" or the "commercials" or "drinking bud light and yelling extraordinarily loud."

I do, apparently, care about "meatballs" and "chicken wings" and "ham sliders" and "tortilla chips."

I'm getting "carried away."

Any way, the end result is being 12 points in the hole for the week so far. Honestly, I thought it would be worse. I ate my fair share at the party last night, but I kept a little checklist and tracked the number of each item I ate as I ate it. 6 meatballs, CHECK. Bacon wrapped sausages, CHECK (times 5).

I'm celebrating the fact that I did not have anything with points-tag to drink. I chose Diet 7-Up and despite the ridiculous snow storm we're having - I already worked out today.

How'd your S(t)uperbowl party go?