Tuesday, May 27, 2014
New New Beginnings.
It's a gray and rainy Minneapolis morning which I am enjoying alone, coffee in hand, pantless. As usual, we here in Minnesota skipped right over Spring, and jumped straight into 80 degrees with high humidity. I am drowning out the hum of neighboring window AC units with my rusty oscillating fan and trying to enjoy the heat. For someone born in July, I sure do love the winter so much more than sweltering, sweaty heat.
The current debate is whether I will hit the nice, cool gym for BodyFlow this afternoon or take to the trail and wog my way through another day of my repeat couch-to-5k program. I'm taking my sweet time deciding this because sitting around, sans pants, drinking coffee, is so much more pleasant than making important activity decisions.
As is usually the case, it's been many months since I last updated. And again, as is usually the case, I've made no progress toward inching (pounding?) closer to my weight goal. I wasn't trying, so there wasn't much to update. The last several months have been indulgent celebrations or regrettable stress eating adventures, and I spent a lot of time attempting to forgive myself for eating. Isn't that a stupid concept? Feeling guilty about the fuel that keeps us alive? Do you ever feel guilty for breathing too much air? No. You just acknowledge that it hurt, take some time to get your breathing back in line and then you forget about completely until you swallow down the wrong pipe again.
I've been trying to switch gears on that silly idea and accept that as long as society holds me to unfair standards of beauty, I will hold myself to unfair standards of pretty much everything. I will feel guilty, about pretty much everything, all the time. Thanks a lot Roman Catholic upbringing! It makes sense to me to meet myself where I'm at, and that's apparently in a big pile of guilt. So, what would make sense to actually feel guilt about? I don't ACTUALLY feel guilty for eating that M&M cookie that was bigger than my face. That would be weird, because there is nothing inherently wrong with eating a face-sized cookie. There is, however, a small sense of shame to be shared by once again treating my body like it is not a part of ME, as a whole. My body isn't my shell, I FUCKING LIVE HERE. My body is my livelihood, and while there is nothing wrong with the giant cookie, there is nothing right with it either. Eating that cookie was the body/mind equivalent of sitting in front of the television for an 8 hour marathon of Road Rules. It meant nothing. It was mindless. It wasn't intentional or thoughtful, and those are words I strive to encompass.
So, guilty or not, I'm attempting to accept my body - what I like and dislike about it - where it is at this exact moment. It's changing now, as I get older. I've never carried much weight in my belly, and suddenly I have a jiggly protrusion that interrupts all my favorite lines in my favorite outfits. Although, it is pretty fun to grab and squish and slap for funny sounds, so there's that. The pros and the cons, that's all they are.
I'm trying to get serious about weight loss again, mostly because last week I stepped on the scale and saw that I'd jumped up over 170, where I hadn't been in a long long time. I stayed on top of tracking this week and got in some extra activity and dropped back down to the mid-160s, which is where I've been hanging out for the better part of 2 years. I made myself a list of goals for the summer. I tried to be intentional and thoughtful and to make them measurable feats. The goal list encompasses all the areas of my life I'd like to improve, and I'm sure I'll blab about the things that aren't fitness or food related here, and you'll have to be ok with that.
In the food department, I moved some money around and invested in the urban farm on my block. YES, there is a FARM on my city block, guys. It's very rad, and I'll walk over there on Tuesdays and pick up my CSA share and take a bunch of pictures to assault your eyes. This will keep me in high vegetable supply all summer long, which ensures serious nutrition and takes most of the work out of obtaining said deliciousness because it is literally 300 feet away. I'm keeping two glass pitchers in the fridge, one with cucumber water (YUM) and the other plain cold water, and they're RIGHT UP FRONT. They're blocking all the beer, so I'll be forced to move them if I want a brew, and I'll likely think twice about whether I would rather have cucumber water (AGAIN, YUM) to hydrate, or a beer. I'm sure I'll choose beer pretty often, and that's fine, but water is so important, I need to up my chances of getting as much as possible. I'll continue logging all my eats on My Fitness Pal.
In the fitness department, I switched health insurances providers because my former company took away our gym membership reimbursement. Having that monetary discount incentive is one of the only benefits to health insurance (aside from the obvious emergency back up), so I sought out the best plan for me. Oh, I forgot to mention the former company also more than doubled my monthly premium, so it wasn't ALL about the gym... but c'mon. Turns out, I got a way better deal either way! That was a win. So I intend to get my gym reimbursement fee every month (12 visits) this summer while I'm out of school. I realize most people don't hit the gym as often in the summer because they're biking and swimming and walking, but I do those things all the time, so I can make space for the gym and it's delicious air conditioning. I want to run at least a couple races this Summer and Fall, so I need to get back into shape for that. I definitely won't be running for speed, but I'd like to not feel like I'm going to die after .08 miles of a 5k.
So, essentially, I'm starting all over again, and making it up as I go. I officially quit Weight Watchers a few months ago after paying for it (and no longer using it) for a couple years. I'm concentrating my efforts on what I've learned over the years, the awesome set up in My Fitness Pal, and the wisdom that comes with not being too extreme with this sort of thing. Slow and steady. I'm far less concerned with numbers, and more focused on getting to know and appreciate my body where it is and where it can be.
If any of you are still out there.....