Saturday, October 27, 2012

The Hard Stuff.

I've had two totally OP days. This is good.

The sudden back-on-trackness has a lot to do with some self-actualization.

After some reflection, I've realized I'm having a difficult time with motivation because...well,  I'm just not fat anymore. I know we're not supposed to say that in the WL-blog-o-sphere, but c'mon. I was a fatty. I lost 40 pounds and I've kept it off for almost 4 years. It genuinely makes it harder to get fired up when your motivation is not to shed your big fat ass.

I know some of you are sitting there saying, "Well, it's not super easy to get fired up to shed your big fat ass, either, you brat!" But honestly, re-losing the weight, or heading toward the last few pounds of the journey is so much different than the beginning. I've been there (more times than I'd like to count), and this is just... different. There are no more 3lb losses to excite you, less people notice your progress, and all around the results are less obvious, and therefore, less rewarding in regards to motivation to keep it up.

Trying to reframe, I know that (on better days) this is a healthful journey for me. I want to live well and have adventures for a long time. I want to keep up. I want to be energized. That's what diet and exercise will do for me. On other days, I feel shallow, and I just want to look good naked.

But I think I do. I've gone beyond accepting my body, to kind of loving it right where it is.

Sure, I'd love to tone up - if there were a way to make tummy jiggle and saddle bags disappear without losing an inch anywhere else, and while also being able to eat ice cream when I want and a huge pork sandwich... - but for the most part, I'm a-oK.

So what's in my motivation bank? Language.

I've just been saying I "should" do this. I "need" to get to the gym. I don't know if that's helping.

I definitely have to spin this into an attractive activity. I get to go to the gym. I GET to go to Zumba this morning (SO EXCITED) and I GET to move and jump and play because I GET to take care of my body.

I CHOOSE to eat healthfully.

Saturdays are such a great starting point for me with this goal. I try to never set an alarm. I just let my body wake up when it wants. I stretch in bed, in the light of the morning sun. I linger over coffee. I get to Zumba with a bunch of ladies who look forward to Saturdays as much as I do, and I generally feel empowered by all of these choices.

Do you ever pay attention to how you talk about yourself in regards to your WLJ?

fatneedtoloseweightclothesdon'tfitsorryihavetostayini'mdietingriceandchickenandfishandboohowcaniloseweightfasterhowcanicheatmyselfoutofthisexperiencehowcouldisaynotocake?

Well, I have a habit of being slightly un-gentle. With myself and with others. I'm blunt and I speak too quickly. I am the most loyal, want-to-help-you friend you'll ever find, but I've been conditioned to respond to things with arrogant perception (i.e. MY way is the best way). I'm sure Manpanion would agree that I have the best of intentions at heart, and I am working so hard on communicating with compassion - to myself and to others, [Mothers really can ruin you, just sayin'] but I have 30 years of habit working against me... just like weight loss, and man if we're aren't just bitches sometimes.

I have an inkling that when I can be nicer to myself on a regular basis, I will accept that my body will never look like anyone else's, just like mine. I AM ONE OF A KIND, except this kind came with an engine that needs to be serviced a little more often.

That's ok, I've got really nice fenders.




...I took that metaphor one step too far.

What's your language like?

1 comment:

Tiffany Campiotti said...

I totally get where you're coming from. Kinda feeling the same way. Urgency is lost. Now, the work begins to make the healthy changes stick!