Thursday, November 10, 2011

self.

In the midst of all this school and work, I feel like I've started to lose a lot of the things about myself that I love. The extra weight I've taken on in the past year doesn't help too much with that.

I've noticed that I have stopped identifying as an "athlete" or something who values exercise. I think the idea is still there, I definitely do VALUE exercise, I just might not do it.... at least not consistently.

At the core of all of this turn-around, this life improvement state, I've managed to move somewhat latterally. Sure, I've finally enrolled in school and sure, I'm actually doing well. I've somehow managed not to lose my job in the process and I've also taken the time to shake things up enough at work that some genuine change might happen with the things that have been stressing me out about it.

What's 10 pounds when the rest of that is going on?

Well, it's weight. And it's more than physical weight, it's mental weight.

As I move up the scale, I seem to be creeping down emotionally. I feel less confident, which allows my anxiety to take over more often than it does not. It creates barriers between me and my manpanion. It creates comparisons between me and other women, things I had an easier time ignoring when I felt really great about my body and my health.

I've been trying to recenter. I've been trying to revisit the times I was happiest and try to mentally arrange them to see the factors that must be missing now.

I know everyone says you have to live "in the moment." I'm awful at this, admittedly. I'd love to learn how, but I am such a planner, and ambitious to a fault, that it's dififcult for me not to have my eye on some prize.

The good part is, one thing that I recognize, is that I was happy when I was taking care of myself and being active. Most of my best memories from the past 2 years all involve moving. Cartwheels, square dancing, two-person-bike-races... momentum.

I am experimenting this week, with block-walking. Each time I feel stressed, regardless of the weather, I will suit up and walk around the block. I think the fresh air will help to clear my head and get a new perspective, plus I'm moving instead of reaching for the gelato.

I'm hopeful this will assist in breaking some [bad] habits and building a new one.

3 comments:

Holly L. said...

Oh. my. gosh. I could have written this post myself (well not as nicely, but the sentiment is right). I am sad that even when I can get my mind back in the right place, this weight isn't coming back off fast enough! Just checked the mirror and nope, still not an athlete looking back at me. Boo! We'll keep pushing and some day I'll look and she'll be there...

Anonymous said...

Update!

African Mango said...

I would like you to keep up the good work you know how to make your post understandable for most of the people.