Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Losing.

It's a gray day here in Minneapolis, which is a strange change from the delightful, sunny, 70 degree weather we've been enjoying over the last few days. It's not to be unexpected, of course, it is April, and we are expecting MORE SNOW this weekend, but for some reason it feels ominous.

I skipped the gym yesterday as my muscles were feeling explosive, ready to burst out of my skin at any second. Getting back into strength training is very important, though painful. I have lost so much muscle memory over the last year. It's amazing to me. But today I'll be back at the gym and back at the resistance training, working my way back up.

I had a mild slip up yesterday, ending my dinner within my calorie limits, but sneaking back into the kitchen and inhaling a bag of yogurt covered pretzels. No particular reason. I wasn't even hungry. It just felt like something to do.

I've been battling some emotional demons, feeling down on myself, and for whatever reason stress eating is still such a big thing. I stopped, with about 1/4 of the bag left, and put it away. I tucked myself in and tried to focus on what and how I was feeling. I didn't really get very far into it before I drifted off to sleep, but the little pieces I can remember landing on had to do with some fear and some lingering resentment in one of my relationships. I hope I can spend a little time thinking on it today, getting closer to the root and beginning the process of letting it go.

The rest of my week is blur of multi-colored calendar items. Some of which are fun, some of which are a whole lot of work, and others are fitness related. I'm looking forward to Saturday, which will be a nice with "the girls" getting mani/pedis and drinking at a local watering hole. I plan to indulge in a diet soda, as the next day is another friend's birthday party, which mainly consists of the world's largest Bloody Mary bar. I'd far prefer to indulge in my mani/pedi and skip the booze Saturday to build up a delicious bloody on Sunday.

That's the plan for now, and hopefully I can stick to it.

I have been hitting the very top range of my calorie limits each day on SparkPeople. I think that upping up the fitness efforts I've been putting in over the last month is making me hungry. Which is to be assumed, I suppose, as I'm forcing my body to exert large amounts of energy, I need to replace that energy somehow.

I had a miniature epiphany yesterday, of something so simple. Given the low range of my calorie limits, I can eat 3 meals of around 300 cals, and 2 snacks at around 150 cals. Why didn't a realize this before? It's easy! Now I just need to actually plan around it.

I've been attempting to eat intuitively, just listening to what it is I *REALLY* want, and eating a reasonable portion of it. It's been working, but it is landing me in the top tier, and the scale is showing nothing, though I can already see that my clothes are a bit looser and my body is a bit tighter. It is time for me to start planning my meals. It is something that has worked for me in the past. I wanted to be less restrictive this time, but it's clear that in order to RE-lose the weight, I'm going to have to have rules, strong ones, and when the weight is gone is when I will work harder on learning to eat intuitively, maintaining my weight, rather than losing.

Losing is the hard part.

Well, maintaining is the hard part too.

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