Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Hesitation.

I hesitate to post anything. Not that everything in my life is a big secret right now, and not that I don't overshare every single second of every single day.

I've been living a lot, offline, which seems to be the norm for me the last year or two. I spend all day tethered to a computer for work. I chat, I tweet, I look at people's kid's pictures on Facebook and I read articles in between. I have to put in the plug for twitter being my new friend matching service, however. I have officially met some of the most amazing people I know through channels I've discovered via twitter. The important lesson was to make sure we met IRL (in real life).

It's too easy to do and say things online that don't end up playing out in your life. I worry about that with this blog sometimes. I worry about goal setting that I don't actually care about. I worry that talking to you guys about how my motivation is waning again will kill yours. I worry that we soak up so much strength, positivity (and negativity) from each other that it's so weird that we aren't the kind of girlfriends chatting over mimosas on a Sunday morning.

I'm happy to be here for you. I'm happy that you feel like you "know" me and I feel like I get a glimpse in to your day, your plan, your life. I love that relationship. I count on it more than I'd care to admit.

Sunday I went to Duluth. My plans were nothing more than to watch my brother play music to the brunch crowd, perform a couple songs with him, and go for an exorcism walk.

Yes, exorcise.

Does that look weird? It's because I had some "demons" for lack of a better word, following me around. I hiked the Sucker River, the scene of the crime where I first fell in love. I went there to forgive. Y'all have not been privy to important information about the beginning/middle/end/contents of my previous relationship - and you shall stay in the dark - but it was hard. I kept my head up and tried everything I could to keep it going when I shouldn't have, but eventually grew courage, left, and now I'm here - happier for it. I had to exorcise the resentment, the belief that I gave so much and got so little. Those are not true. I am a better person from that relationship, but I needed this walk to remind me that.

Sucker River Sun

Yesterday I wore "skinny jeans." I had to laugh at the irony of the statement because while I'm "in shape," I will never have "skinny" legs. They're quite muscular and curvaceous at the same time. I looked like an ice cream cone. I felt weird for as long as I concentrated on it and eventually it just went away. The second I stopped obsessing over my triangle-ness, the second someone complimented them.

I've realized that the more I agonize over the little things - that mini snickers I ate at my board meeting, the fact that I skipped the gym all weekend - the more likely I am to continue a downward spiral. It's a shame cycle. "You already sucked, why not suck more?"

Well, there's a saying in my Weight Watchers meeting: "You can suck at it, but you can't quit." I've just decided to alter what I think of "sucking at it." This is mostly in regards to my life right now, not so much the weight loss aspect, but I think they come hand in hand.

My main focus currently is earning back the friendships I lost while I was busy being a "good girlfriend." It was hard for me to keep up with all my responsibilities in my past relationship and also maintain healthy friendships. I ditched out on a lot of plans. I wasn't there when I should have been. I didn't call. I'm also extremely interested in meeting new people, so I can kill two birds with one stone on that one and just title the "goal" Relationships.

Relationships get hungry. I'm a good cook. I would like to buy into a CSA this year and attempt to cook only from these boxes with supplemental protein. Not only would this force me to be more creative in the kitchen, I would save money and almost certainly always have too much, allowing said Relationships to join me for dinner in my backyard.

Speaking of backyards, the city is my playground. I'm so horribly embarrassed that I have been on exactly 2 bike rides so far this year. Not this season, just the year in general. I love biking. I am a huge bicycle advocate. With amazing opportunities on the horizon, I hope to drastically drop my car dependence that I adopted over the winter. I will re-become a bike commuter this year or at the very least only be allowed to drive when it's absolutely required.

I feel when life is going your way, the weight loss aspect becomes easier. I need to switch the focus off again for a little while. I started running in the mornings. This helps me make wiser decisions all day.

I may cancel my gym membership in favor of running/biking/tennis/walking/pushups/pullups/real activity with real people.

9 comments:

Amanda said...

"I may cancel my gym membership in favor of running/biking/tennis/walking/pushups/pullups/real activity with real people. "

I just sent in my notice to do the same ting. I need that connection with people and the world. The gym is just my stopover for the winter.

Glam said...

i love meeting ppl online as well. the biggest suck about that is that i rarely get to meet them in person, as they live so far away.
i'm trying to be better about connecting with ppl who live closer to me, but then i get all panicky that i'd lose my anonymity that i need in order to be completely honest and open...

bethsjourney said...

It's so easy to get sucked up into relationships and put your friendships on the back burner... I've definitely been there before, but good for you for recognizing and deciding to do something about it!

totegirl said...

I think the connection that we ALL share is that we are all too hard on ourselves. When I read this, my heart went out to you, but I am not the tiniest bit worried about you. I think you are a badass, and you're in a transition period, which is where we all make the most growth. It's not easy, but then again, what's the alternative? There is none, so just keep doing what you're doing, which is being really aware the majority of the time! Isn't that a great success!!!!!

As for biking, yeah, totally with you on that one. I did ride my bike a few times, but it's raining today. I'm not to that level of dedication...yet.

Rebecca said...

you hit the nail on the head with

"I've realized that the more I agonize over the little things - that mini snickers I ate at my board meeting, the fact that I skipped the gym all weekend - the more likely I am to continue a downward spiral. It's a shame cycle. "You already sucked, why not suck more?"

I've been trying to put my finger on it and you did it for me! i guess part of me is glad to see I'm not the only one who deals with these feelings.

I also whole heartedly agree with this statement "I feel when life is going your way, the weight loss aspect becomes easier." so keep livin it!

Tiffany said...

Great post! It's always nice to gain insight. Hope the relationships you are building are strong and lasting! I also love the idea of canceling the gym membership. Happy running/biking etc :)

Lor said...

nice post, girl. and i totally dig what you mean with the spiral and downward cycle. sooo true.

i wish i could commute to work -- with the nature of my job, we HAVE to have a car there. so unless i parked it the night before and left it there (hecks no) all night, downtown, i can't. :/

takinitoff said...

i know this post has nothing to do with your ass, but your ass looked great in the jeans you were wearing at nulook. good gracious, ass is bodacious.

and - this is such a good thing for me to remember. thanks for the reminder! "I've realized that the more I agonize over the little things - that mini snickers I ate at my board meeting, the fact that I skipped the gym all weekend - the more likely I am to continue a downward spiral. It's a shame cycle. "You already sucked, why not suck more?"

--adrienne

Lisa @ http://www.theroadtoskinny.com/ said...

your words: 'you already sucked, why not suck more' jumped off the page for me!!!
This is EXACTLY how i feel. When i eat a few cookies, i think well i already ate a few i might as well just finish the bag.....i'm glad i'm not the only one!
Thanks for your blog!! I really enjoy reading it! :)