Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Extrovert Introverted.

I have a few theories to pinpoint my ridiculous amount of binging in the past few months. A lot of the friendships that I've really come to need, depend on and just truly enjoy have fallen away. I'm sure a lot of it is my fault. I put the needs of my family and the gym before just about every thing else. I've become increasingly "flakey" over the past year due to an overwhelming and confusing schedule without an organized way to keep track of it.. but I'm lonely.

My partner/boyfriend/manfriend works nights most of the week which basically means the only creatures stirring in the house are me and sometimes the dog (who mostly just lays on the couch). I know no one is watching, no one will know if I eat a whole damn box of granola - especially if I hide the evidence. I've become a secret eater out of loneliness.

I've always kind of played the role of "I don't need help," "I'm tough," "I'm fine, I'll figure it out." But I guess I should just admit that I'm not. I'm not fine. I'm completely immersed in my routine because it keeps me from admitting that I have failed so many of my friendships. If I stay busy I can pretend I'm just "too busy" for social stuff right now, but I probably wouldn't have many invitations otherwise. And all of their lives go on without me, on to bigger and better things that I'm not celebrating with them, that I'm rarely even informed about. Maybe I'm eating to fill a need to be needed, or even wanted. I still think of food socially, even when I'm eating alone.

I know this all sounds so self-pitying and oh look at nic, trying to get attention... and maybe I am. This is hardly the forum for self discovery of this magnitude, and in fact it's quite embarrassing.

I'm embarrassed because I have very very few important people in my life.

I guess my New Year's Resolution will be trying to figure out how to salvage any of that, if it's even possible at this point.

Maybe I'll just move to Colorado.


Tricia said...

I pushed away a lot of friendships in the past using varied excuses to explain it away. What it boiled down to was I didn't love myself and so I didn't believe others could love me either.

I've only recently come to the place where that has changed. Life is so much richer with friends.

Good luck.

She woke up FAT said...

Powerful post.
You in noway should be embarrassed.
I have done the same thing myself.
I have very little social life. I have my husband, my kids and my parents. That's pretty much my circle.
Hard to believe of someone who was amongst the most popular in High school. 12 yrs and 70 pounds can really change a person.

Rebecca said...

i can totally relate but I think to some degree it is inevitable as a working woman.

i mean seriously nic, you have to work, and you have to be there for your family and if you only have 2 or 3 hours left in the day and i HAVE to choose between working out and going out, 80% of the time ill choose working out.

i look at girlfriends who go out regularly and a) they still think they arent going out enough and b) they are now complaining they dont have time to workout and are getting bigger.

i'm definitely not dismissing your feelings, please dont think that, i'm in the same boat as you, but i also think friendships go both ways. sure, we cant always meet up because of kids, distance, etc. but you know what, we text, email, twitter... it's not 100% the same but i know they care about me and vice versa.

i hope you find peace with what you need to do but yeah it is lonesome.

have you thought of joining a running club or something like that? that would be some interaction with new people without the major commitment. i know thats my plan for next spring. it's a mommy (my age though!) running group and they meet twice a weeks but most only come once a week.

i know its tough, but look at how much you've accomplished, would you exchange that to be a social butterfly?


takinitoff said...

i think we all go through phases in our lives where things like this happen. it's awesome you're ready to focus on making new (or improving past) friendships. the friends that are worth it will understand you had to make time for yourself and they'll come back easily. and for the new friends - you'll find people who have the same interests you and it'll be awesome. i have some friends from high school that i love dearly, but if i met them now, we'd never be friends. so, a few years ago i met a girl at work and i knew instantly i wanted to be her friend. so, basically i secretly forced myself into her life and i couldn't be glader that i did.

i'm excited for your new plan - it'll be fun!

ps - i don't think you're trying to get attention. blogs are ways to be honest, brag, share frustrations, etc. we don't have to read if we don't want to, so don't worry about how you come off :)

wow, sorry so long! :( --adrienne