Wednesday, March 18, 2009

My Reality Check has Bounced.

I gained again. I knew it would happen and I deserved it. As I keep saying, I am struggling to get back in the mindset that I am still trying to lose weight. I was explaining to a friend earlier today that when I fell off track around 180lbs, it was easier because I had the fallback of being superficial. I disliked the way I looked. I felt sluggish and knew I could still be so much better. While I still feel that way even today, there is little evidence to people who didn't know me "when." For lack of a less sensitive term, I was Fat. It was easier to try when I was Fat.

Despite all this, I am feeling defeated and motivated at the same time.

I have decided to call in for support. I just spoke to Justin about my goals for the week and asked for him to, in a supportive way, try to keep me on track. I also explained this could become a horrible backlash for him at any given moment, but in the long run I will appreciate it and express that appreciation - just maybe not right away.

I've decided to be honest with myself. While my job during "office hours" is rather physical, walking a massive amount back and forth and lifting heavy objects to and fro, up and down stairs, etc -- that active part of the day really only lasts around 3-4 hours. Some days it only lasts 1-2 hours and the remainder of that 3-4 hours is spent running errands in my car. Aside from the gym, the remainder of my day is spent sitting down behind this computer screen or lounging on my bed petting my dog's belly.

I'm planning. As soon as I am done updating this blog, I am going to sit down at the dining room table with my large magnet weekly calendar that I keep on the fridge. "Back when," I used to use this to dictate my meal plan by the week, writing out Breakfast, Snack, Lunch, Snack, Dinner and Dessert and their associated points values. This really helped me to stay on track, and it also helped me to prepare. If I knew what I would be eating for a snack tomorrow, I could easily prepare it tonight, put it in a baggie and put it in the front of the fridge, eliminating any distraction or self-negotiation tomorrow morning.

I'm rewarding myself. When I began this "journey" I had little rewards written out for every 5-10lb milestone. I haven't rewarded myself in a non-food way in quite some time. While I sit at 152.6 lbs, I fully intend to get a pedicure when I get under 150 lbs again. My first and only pedicure was a reward for a milestone last year, and while I will never return to the establishment I had that done, I did enjoy the benefits. After completing my meal plan tonight, I intend to write out a series of motivating rewards for each 5 lb milestone until I hit my goal weight.

I'm moving more. Last week, I did manage to up my activity from the level it has been in the last few months, which is pretty pathetic. Partially due to the lovely weather we had this weekend and the large amount of walking I was able to do while being productive simultaneously. I also made it to Zumba class, which I hadn't done in quite some time and I really enjoy. This coming week, I have set up "dates" to Pole Dance Fitness, African Dance and BodyFlow. I've explained in the past that having a certain time to be somewhere holds me more accountable. That, coupled with the fact that I will be meeting someone at each of these classes will really up the anty. I also intend to bike to work next week under 3 conditions: 1) it's not raining or snowing 2) it hasn't just stopped raining or snowing 3) it is above 35 degrees. I love biking to work, but the idea of getting started again this year has been daunting because of my laziness. I'm excited to get back in the habit.

I would love to be setting a goal about how I am going to monitor my emotions and attempt to reframe certain habits, however I haven't quite figured how I am going to be about that. I do vow to be ultra-conscious of my feelings this week. I am certainly aware right now, in this moment, that I will not be able to "afford" to eat away stress with just 22 points per day.

Wish me luck.


I retook the points quiz to reflect this reality. I'm now down to 22 points, which I assume will drop to 21 points when I lose this gain and break back into the 140s.

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

i used to love to go out to eat but now i realize that it's a horrible cyclical cycle.

granted the gain is only temporary but usually, at least for me, it triggers a bunch of other not so great behavior.

you'll get back there!