Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Thoughts from the Desk : Who's your alter ego?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the ebbs and flows of this journey. I actually kind of hate calling it a journey, I just want to make that clear. Somewhere along the line I picked up the jargon and now it's a difficult habit to break free of.

What else could I call this? I'm open to suggestions.

There are days when I am 100% completely dedicated to my Weight Watchers lifestyle. It is those days I think more along the lines of my internal health, my attitude, how I present myself to the world and how I can give back. When I am working hard to be healthy, my outlook on life is generally positive. There are other days where it takes me over 20 minutes to get out of bed in the morning, and when I look in the bathroom mirror, I see the same old fat me. Big Fat Nicole. BFN for short. BFN comes out when I am crabby. I instantly feel threatened and become defensive about anything that has anything to do with me and even things that don't.

BFN loads the bowl with 2 cups of ice cream and tracks it as way less because, really, who's going to know.

Then, BFN goes back for seconds.

BFN wants other people to fail on the off chance that it will give her time to catch up, or at the very least make her look better.

BFN doesn't have a lot of friends.

BFN must die.

Luckily, today is not a BFN day, nor was yesterday. In fact, BFN days are getting more few and far between. The difficulty for me and the struggle I am going through lately, is correcting the damage that BFN has done in my life. How do you show your new self to people? When will they accept that this is really who you are and BFN is not?

I guess that part is all about persistance; consistancy. I know that this lifestyle has changed me. I still interrupt people, but it's only because of my strong and urgent need to help them. Everything that I do wrong comes from the most loving places of my heart. I've learned to apologize and admit that I'm wrong.

These are big things.

What can be the acronym for the good Nicole? The real Nicole? The person I am now. Super Awesome Nicole Everyday? (sane)

SANE. I kind of like the sound of that.

5 comments:

LTer4ever said...

I LOVE it!!! You are now SANE. Wow, I can just imagine how much better we would all be if we were sane, too. You go, SANE! Fabulous post!

kristen said...

I found your blog through LTer4ever's, and I really enjoy reading it. I can relate to so much of what you write - the WW program, emotional eating, BFK - Big Fat Kristen, etc.

I saw your progress pictures and you look great!

nic said...

thanks ladies!

Jessitracker said...

I think my alter ego would be known as Just Eat Some Soggy Ice Cream, Ass! (J.E.S.S.I.C.A.)

I guess that's not really an alter ego.

I think you've had a really positive outlook lately and it's awesome! You're doing great!

antgirl said...

Glad your BFN days are lessening. That's a big victory! :)