Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Thoughts from the Desk : Coffee with a splash of Fear

I am literally dreading my Weight Watchers Meeting tomorrow. Well... technically the part of me that loves having something to do is very excited, the part of me that had a complete and utter FAIL of a week (or 2) is not.

I'm spending some time reflecting this morning on the point of dreading the meeting. Why? Yes, I know I gained. No amount of avoidance is going to change that. The only way to change that is to knock it off. I can't eat with abandon and expect to lose weight. Losing weight is hard, I know this, I've been doing it for a year.

I feel like I've lost my motivation. It was so much easier to realize what I was working for when I got up in the morning and couldn't fit into my biggest pair of pants, when I was constantly mistaken for a pregnant lady, when I hated my body and the way my weight affected my health.

Now, I wake up and I feel ok about it all. I feel like I'm in decent health. I like the way my body looks in clothes, for the most part. But I'm a woman, there will always be some sort of doubt there whether I'm a size 2 or a size 20.

I really don't mean to turn these last couple posts into long whining sessions, but I think that's what I need right now. I feel as though I've lost my support system in this adventure. The gym and I have grown apart, and the world around me has invited me in... for cake.

I'm sure that after I weigh in tomorrow and see the SEVERITY of the damage I've done and how far away from the 140s I've gotten when I was so desperately close to seeing them, it will kick me back into gear. I'm afraid I might cry a little. I'm afraid that the meeting people will judge me, especially because we just celebrated my 50lb milestone. I even mentioned to Justin that I thought they might take away my medal.

I know that's silly and they won't do that, but fear is irrational. It exists because it is the unknown, and I'm certainly the type of person who doesn't always appreciate surprises. I like to plan and I like to know outcomes before I participate.

I've set a few goals for this week following the meeting. I have an estimate of my gain, but I'm not really sure what it will be in the evening.
  • Earn at least 20 APs. I giggle a little bit at this goal, considering 4 months ago I was earning 35 APs per week. That's not the reality now and I need to meet myself where I am. This will be hard for me, but I know it will make all the difference.
  • Must finish @home To-Do list before any "fun outings." I love this goal, because it's literal translation is "Don't go out," but I'm giving myself an opportunity to earn at least one "fun outing" this week if I get my butt in gear and do some of the things I keep saying I'll do around the house. These projects will keep me busy for at least 4 nights after work, which keeps me away from food and parties.
  • Track. It's as simple as that, and I haven't been doing it. As if, in some magical way, all of you and my meeting leader and my friends etc, would be able to see how badly I screwed up if I actually put it down in words (or points). I need to be held accountable. Those 35 extra points don't get renewed every day, and I've been living like they do.

I hope I can be successful this week. I HAVE TO BE SUCCESSFUL this week. I cannot let anymore of my hard work slip away. Moderation is the key. Moderation is the key. Moderation is the key.


Rebecca said...

hear ye! hear ye!

its tough..having a life, having no life, just finding the time to squeeze in working out, cooking...frick...it really does explain why peeps are what they are.

you can do it!!

and complain and whine all you want, we all need an outlet for it...why not your blog?

kristen said...

I still struggle with this on most days. I'm about 10lbs heavier than what my WW goal weight was and have been camping out here for about a year. Maintenance is so difficult for the exact reasons you mentioned- you fit in your clothes, you look much better than you did, and you feel pretty good. Why bust our asses if we're in a better place than we were?

But gaining 5-10 lbs in a relatively short amount of time does put things in perspective. Our minds are so powerful, usually to our demise. I hate the days when I feel heavy, unattractive, and guilty of my food choices. I don't want those days to start outweighing the feel-good days when I fit in my clothes and like how I look in them.

I think constant tweaking and re-evaluating where we are and what we want is good for us, as much as these bumps in the road suck.

antgirl said...

It was hard readjusting the goals to keep on. I approached all of this as permanent change from the beginning, so it wasn't as hard this time.

Everyday I get up and tell myself that I and the quality of my life matter. It's not just about the outside, it's about the inside. That it's not about how I look, it's about feeling this good everyday.

1LB to the Goal said...

You can do it, girl! I think we all reach a point being too content, which turns in to being complacent, which lends itself to apathy. It's good that you've realized it now, and are able to do some damage control.

No judgment here! We'll all support you!