Saturday, January 10, 2009

Thoughts from the Desk : Post Ooops...

I had a very "bad" day yesterday. I ate a lot and made a lot of very poor choices. I am back on track as of dinner, when I returned to my own house where I felt like I could make my own choices.

Yesterday was the last session of the Minnesota Council of Nonprofits Strategic Connectors Leadership Institute I have been participating in for the last year. It was a very loaded day, emotionally and technically. There is never any shortage of horrible foods to choose from. Right when you walk into the door of an all day session, you're greated by coffee and donuts... and bear claws and fruity pastries... oh my. There is also always bananas and apples. I started with coffee and a banana. And then I thought... I haven't touched these pastries all year.

So I had one.

And then I had another one. (about 14 points to start... with the banana)

Later, during a snack time, I ate the Kashi bar I had packed to curb crave attacks. (yay! 16 points, running total).

Lunch was a big spread of delicious African food. Which means I had no idea what any of it was, except 2 kinds of lentils. I chose those, a little big of yellow rice, a chicken leg covered in spicy stew and a big piece of spongy flat bread. (no idea how to track, but since I went back for a second chicken leg and more lentils, I decided the whole "meal" was about 25 points... (36 points running total)

Later, we had cake. (40 points running total)

At the close of the institute, we had to go around our circle. We have a garden trowel that we used to open and close the ceremony by stating what we are "leaving behind" to be present in the session at the beginning, and then again at the end to state what we're taking away. Because it was our last session, we weren't allowed to talk when we had the trowel, but rather others were encouraged to yell out the things they've learned about us, admire about us, envy about us, etc. I was freaking out as the trowel went around. For the last 3 months, I've been too busy to put a lot of time into the relationships I've formed because of this Institute. I started to feel that these people didn't know me anymore, and I wasn't being a contributing memeber. I was scared that the room would be silent.

I was wrong.

Taking compliments, we were told, is just as big a part of leadership as giving them. I believe that's true, though it's much harder to take them - especially when you're not allowed to talk. I ended up having the trowel for what seemed like hours (probably almost 10 minutes) as the compliments kept coming. Every time I'd try to pass it on, someone would say "NOOOOO not yet. Just let me say..." and about half way into it, I started crying. That brought on new things about how Kelly, a member of my cohort whom I admire immensely, admires my ability to be authentic and always be real with whatever I'm feeling.

People had been crying all day, so I felt so "cool" that I hadn't yet shed a tear. And then I felt stupid, so I laughed about it. It was so incredibly touching, I wish I had a recording of all of these things so I could listen to it when I feel immensely crappy.

Anyhow, after the session we went to POP!! for happy hour. I had a Cava Cocktail (5) and a Summit Winter (4). (49 point running total).

Needless to say, I had a salad for dinner. I used imitation crab for protein (1) rather than chicken because it was lower in points. The salad was about 2.5 points in the end. (total for the day 51.5 points, more than twice my daily target.)

At least I made it to the gym in the morning and earned 5 APs. Not that that made a huge dent in my crazy binge, but to be honest, I only feel bad about the points total - not any of the food. I feel like I made smart choices with what I was offered. I turned down a lot of other things, the pastries were a moment of weakness after denying myself for a whole year (no guilt there) and the lunch... I picked smart. I didn't need the seconds, but I chose the best of what was available to me because of what I had learned while on this program. I'm also not that scrared about it because I have today and tomorrow to be completely OP before my first WI of the week.

I'll have two WI now, which will be both annoying, but good for being held accountable. Mondays I'll weigh myself at home, that's the number you'll see. And Wednesdays I'll WI at the meeting - with clothes on. I'll keep a meeting tracker too, and I'll probably tell you my meeting progress, but I'm not going to take that number as seriously as the number and way I've been doing it for the last year. When I hit 135 on my home scale, I WILL celebrate goal! And then I'll keep working to get to "meeting goal."

All in all, I ate it, I admitted it, I don't feel bad about it and I'll be happy to try to work off the difference.

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